hint: i think the best idea is to hit ctrl-f and type in some interesting word
4.6.2003: well. it turns out my shirt is purple. but its blue too. and sometimes grey. are you sure that 'to' shouldnt have been 'too'? those 'to's are making me nervous. theyre just not right and im using them far too much. now is the time to stop. anyway. we watched the two hour video of the party. it was kinda good. most of it was pretty poor and boring. but some of it was just genius. i felt a bit nervous watching it tho. not because i thought i may be doing anything stupid or anything. just cos i was worried i might learn something i didnt want to. yknow. hear someone say something when they didnt think anyone was listening. but it wasnt too bad. i think the worse it got was nick saying something along the lines of 'what the fuck is this terrible music' and then his brother a bit later something like 'and this terrible song is still on'. it was bowie and smashing pumpkins doing 'all the young dudes'. oh well. and i did play sick to death. nick really hated that. but then its his fault for being fucked on mushrooms. every thirty seconds you could hear him say "oh man im so fucked". often turning the camera round to say it to the lens. oh well. haha. there was some good footage tho. i didnt really feature that highly in it. but i dont care. so. the last two panels of doonesbury really made me laugh today:
i guess thats funny if youve talked to me enough. umm. been redoing my cv. its been kinda fun. went to a job day today. it was rubbish. although did get some information packs on doing volunteer work. this is something that i really want to do. really. hmmm.
3.6.2003: so. sainsburies. what the fuck is their problem?! wait.. let me tell you. theyre had that advert going round. the one where that girl swoons over jamie oliver and the checkout girl packs her bags. and the one with the old irratating woman and bubble (from ab fab) where everyone is being dead helpfull to her. theyre advertising this as a good thing. but wait.. they need to believe me when i say this. because i really mean it. and not just a little.. i prefered sainsburies twice as much before this new horrible policy. you can pick the basket you want because the guy hands you one. not too bad. but the bag packing thing. terrible. i think i already mentioned when i asked the guy about it and they have to ask you no matter how many items. its just patronising and irritating. but the worst thing about. the absolute mother fucker. every single middle age knob head guy infront of you in the queue lets them do it. and when they scan and pack it takes twice as long. meaning i have to wait ages. and as if they really know how to pack anyway. they always put like items together. idiots. ive got to carry that shit home. how about balancing it out by filling two bags at the same time alternating the heavy items. please mr sainsburies sort it out. arnt people lazy enough? dont be part of the problem. youre not streamlining your fattening out at the waist. and if its some sinister scheme to keep us in the queue longer so we buy that tantalising chocolate you can stick it up your arse.
3.6.2003: is it really june already? fucking hell. so yeah. the party was a raving success. for as many anecdotes as i can possibly remember and probably in a random order you might wanna keep reading. otherwise stop now. or at least scroll down to the photos. cmon. so yeah. it was really hot day. it was insane walking back from the train station with martin. heatwave. so it was top shit for a barbecue. with celebration cake and bucksfizz. its one pound fifty a bottle. the first cork went three or four gardens south. the second cork nearly hit ben in the face. lux had taken the wire cage thing off and was shaking it about. jokingly pointing it at ben. we are all shouting "lux no. no no no. stop it dude". then a bit louder and more insistent. but it was too late. the cork went flying over the back of the garden and hit the house next door. one day that girl has gotta listen. haha. and the nicolas cake was well good. i guess this is where the party started. cliff and james arrived with 'punch'. which was actually just vodka with blended fruit in it. id like it to be blamed for the rediculously short time it took everyone but me to get drunk. i was just taking it easy. but people were already well drunk by the time the punch was ready and everyone was too scared to drink it. haha. my punch was better anyway. cheap malibu port and vodka with rasberry juice and mint. a definate hit with the girls. apart from aimee. and possibly matt. whoever it is who doesnt like coconut. anyway lux started chasing ben around with a wet sponge or something. and someone else was opening beers over someone. sheesh. i was busy making cheese and pineapple sticks. else its not a party. you should have seen our house tho. the kitchen and living room had never been cleaner. wed moved everything out of the way so the kitchen was ultra spacious. wed got disco balls and strobes and fairy lights and fibreoptic lights and funny coloured lights. the lot. it was well good. and it stuck circuit boards everywhere. i dont know why but they looked pretty fun. the party was set to go off. indeed. i guess the official start to the party is when john started djing. he was well good. hmmm. i dont really know where to take this story now. yknow we even had people properly dancing in our kitchen (not dancing properly). ben spun some funky tunes. cali did a bit. suddenly loads of people turned up who hardly anyone knew. it was great. some guy had a nose bleed. someone else was walking around eating dry wheatabix. the girls never made it in the end. but i knew they wouldnt anyway so i wasnt that disappointed. it would have been nice but nevermind. whatever. we didnt have many ice shots but thats probably a good thing. yknow. i dont think we managed to have 40 people in the house at the same time. but there was definately more than that who came and went. some people left early and some arrived well late. which reminds me (for no reason).. remember the story i told a few days ago about the two phils. well that girl was at the party. so as a conclusion to that story.. she ended up staying the night at the right phils house. so it had a happy ending too. i shouldnt have told her id written the story on my website tho. she was quite insistent on reading what id wrote. never fear i didnt give in. she settled on giving me her email address so i could email what id written. hmmmm. maybe sometime this week ill edit it down a bit or something. but lets be honest. its not like i wrote about it well or anything. its not even that funny. anyway. i got into the habit of going up to people i didnt know and chatting them up for a laugh. i guess this results in them thinking im a bit of a twat but it was funny for me and martin anyway. i guess they didnt realise they were having the piss taken out of them. you turn up to my party what do you expect me to do? ignore you? anyway. then some girl kissed me on the cheek. which was well nice. and i managed to dry fry some vege bacon and make a sandwich. i think is testament to my abilities while being drunk. the oven had two mirrors and a disco ball on it. so dealing with all that safetly. i think someone deserves a meddle. yeah. as the night went on john got bored and i got to dj a well good dub set. it was fun cos hes got a build in chaos pad on his mixer. dublicious noises and effects abound. i just grabbed what i had and a load of bens records with dub mixes and played them at random. half way through we realised there was a speaker still outside and it was really loud. oh well. quite a lot of people had passed out and it was getting light. so me ben nick and john decided to walk up to the golf course. with the bean bag. i took some hilarious photos. and movies. that was pretty good fun. when we got back there was this guy lodged against the kitchen back door sitting in his own vomit. lovely what? it gets worse too. cos hed passed out on our futon sofa and wet himself. how dirty is that? as if you do that in some peoples house who you dont even know. so yeah.. it was totally time for bed. except id convinced nicolas friends it was totally cool to sleep in my room. they were gonna sleep on nicolas floor which was just crazy cos i had a spare double matress on my floor (well spare after i moved martin onto my bed). so i kinda lay down for a few hours but couldnt sleep. i can only sleep naked nowadays. and it was weird having so many people sleeping in my room. the longest i slept for was about 36 minutes. anyway. got up at about nine and had a shower. the girls had to get back to bognor so left early too. id accidently spilt water over one of them while getting up. haha. slipped on martins slippy sleeping back (just typed spleen) and fell off my bed with a glass of water. could have been much worse tho. so we did a bit of cleaning with nicola and aimee and then me and martin walked into town and got breakfast at this well nice lil breakfast place. wandered around. went and sat on the beach for an hour or something. it was so calm. there was no wind at all. the sea was just so slow. then it started to rain so we went book shopping. theyve eventually rereleased the difference engine with a nice cover. although the book is still a stupid shape. nevermind. did some more cleaning. now our kitchen and living room is looking gorgeous again. had a weird sunday tho. i thought my brain was gonna crystalise over but it didnt. it just felt a bit like a goldfish bowl with lots of fish. i know thats a terribly messy analogy but i havnt had breakfast. or a shower yet. went shopping yesterday. for a guitar and clothes. yeah me go clothes shopping. and get this.. i actually bought a shirt. hows that for conquering.. umm. something? didnt manage to find any shorts i liked tho. and didnt buy a guitar obviously. but had fun looking. me and tom had a good walk into town actually. it was well nice. and then we went and played frisbee in the park. met the remaining house mates there. that was kinda fun. and all of a sudden it was eight. so i cooked the biggest stir fry ever. all for myself. its gonna be breakfast and dinner. but yeah. aimee has gone back to oxford for the week and ben disappeared back to rugby. so the house feels a bit empty. im the only person on my floor now. hm. what to do? sort out some photos for the hungry masses. these will be here
its a shame i dont have any photos of people dancing tho. this is cos i was probably dancing too. or playing the happy go lucky tunes. i got thanked three times for playing madonna. and ben found it funny when i stuck on some atari teenage riot. weve got the fucking power. it went down well good. i remember thinking i played two atr songs but i cant for the live of me imagine playing sick to death. maybe i did. well who knows. it was good to hear chemical brothers remix of bug powder dust and the old chemical brothers charlatans tunes. go me. although i did mix them really badly. well out of practice. oh well. have i got anything else to write? probably. id hate to forget all the well funny shit that happened. but i guess i already have. time to do my cv i think.
31.5.2003: yo and out. id forgotten what good weather is. i had to sleep naked with no duvet last night its so damn good. spent the best part of yesterday lazing outside falmer bar on campus. playing frisbee. just chilling. photo op:
nicola lux tom matt aimee ben and nick. my hands hurt between thumb and finger from catching the frisbee. it was just coolness. the party has started. dilated peoples know the score. we even got curry last night. and i had it for breakfast. brilliant. id love to stay and chat but ive gotta go and enjoy myself. woo. and ive gotta go pick up martin from the train station. hell yeah. i love today.
30.5.2003: hey peeps its friday morning. not long now. today is everyones last exam. about time to. so. i feel that today i actually have some interesting things to talk about. but i will no doubt forget them in good time and youll be none the wiser. oh well. on the subject of various recent posts.. i think theyre definately a description of how i was feeling at the time. and in no way some kinda explanation of me at all. like a snapshot of something i thought was kinda interesting. i dont live that shit. and i can explain it all. rationally to. make up reasons and excuse for all of it. itd make me sound a hell of a lot less sad. but im not gonna. as i dont feel that ive got to (or should) explain myself to anyone. except myself i guess. and if i now went on to do that.. it would be terrible. but anyway. i got over it. cashback. etc. did i just say that? so. its been gorgeous on campus. ive been there everyday. its just too nice sitting outside the library on the grass watching the world go by. well. half of it.. if im gonna be honest. free ice cream and good wraps. boston. there is nothing better than lazing about on the grass. and ive really got into getting the train into uni. all music has been very fitting. my ever evolving walkman playlist is amazing. perfectly pitched for weather and transport. walking down random roads in brighton listening to massive attack remixes of dandy warhols and dilated peoples is just too much fun. and waiting for the train feels oh so continental. brighton manages quite well to feel abroad quite often. i like this. its not something birmingham can at all manage. so now im really wanting to go travelling in september. id prefer to go in the summer but im still working. i have little options as i dont want to go on my own. this needs to be discussed with people but i really want to go to america. party preparations have begun. me and lux uber cleaned the kitchen yesterday like its never been cleaned before. it didnt know what hit it. i just got a little over enthusiastic. is that really how you spell that? i even cleaned under and between everything. you should have seen the things i pulled out from the side of the cooker. eck. needless to say we destroyed two pan scourers. today i gotta clean my room. not so much for the party. but ill do it while in the mood. itll be good fun. yeah. i just finished my second reading of the eyre affair. by jasper fforde. theres a babble about it on the page about books i like although i will need to update that after second reading. just started rereading his second book. these books are so good. read them. so i mentioned dilated peoples a while back. ive been listening to their two albums and they are top shit. really. on tuesday i rather predictably went to the gloucester. not again for a long time. it was okay but ruined by a few things. okay two. my trousers and bunny girl (not my girl). all my favourite trousers where clean out of the wash so i didnt want to wear them. people seem to think this is a bit weird wanting to not where clean clothes.. but yknow. wearing clothes that need to be washed (albeit not really urgently. that would be minging) makes sense as youre going to a club thats gonna make you reek. this reminds of another conversation i had last night. me and lux were out (more on this in a bit) and were discussing whether to go to the joint or pavtav or home via grubbs and i said "well. im wearing clean clothes". this was kinda taken out of context and everyone just looked at me like.. what the hell are you on about? im glad youre wearing clean clothes. um. was there any value in that little anecdote or should i just delete it to save you time? whatever. so these trousers i were wearing. i dunno. they just didnt feel right to dance in. although i used to manage fine in xls. i dunno. i just didnt feel comfortable with what i was wearing at all. and then fucking bunny girl. argh. shes becoming a liability. or rather causing one. it appears that everyone (although mostly cliff) thinks shes the fittest girl ever. or something. even though she looks about 16. and shes now the center of attention whenever were in there. hey wheres bunny girl? argh. hey bunny girl is on the otherside of the dance floor. go dance over there. argh. i wouldnt mind too much but cliff thinks its funny to push you into her the whole time. that sounds immature but this is after stupid amounts of vodka (50p a shot. and its free entry). and then john kept trying to steal her bunny ears (yeah she wears pretty much exactly the same outfit every week). i kept saying dude.. dont bother. she lynchs any guy who tries that shit on. she gave him the evilest look ive ever seen. but anyway. i quite respect bunny girl. she only and always dances to songs she likes. even if theyre really damn hard to dance too. and never looks really stupid while doing it (yo shes got bunny ears and a pikachu backpack). she disses every guy who goes up to talk to her to. in a really good way. its funny to watch. but alas. id be able to enjoy myself much more if she wasnt there. haha. having to worry about cliff pushing me the whole damn time. theres the liability. i left him at half two by the level. he was too drunk for me to want to walk him home any further. he was being an ass and was zig zagging the whole pavement. i thought hed be alright. he always says he is. anyway. he got home at half six. haha. it was a ten minute walk so fuck knows what he was doing. he had to be at half seven to go to work. i got the best text message from him the next day: "dam. it sounds like a fun nite. it left me wit a big hangover, no jacket, no money, no respect wit buny, a bad hair day n jon is off sick. im gona throw up." nice huh? so yeah. last night i went with lux to meet some of her course mates for a drink. met them in sante fe. this place is uber expensive for anyone who doesnt know. people kept asking how come we were students and being so flash drinking in there. cos i am flash mother fucker. anyway. it was these two girls who we sat down with and stuff. it was fun etc. pretty normal. anyway. then one of them (lets call her elizabeth cos thats her name) noticed these two guys who had just walked in. they were two fireman from this speed dating evening theyd gone to a week before (speed dating - group of guys. group of girls. talk to each other one to one for about ten minutes then swap people. etc. like the mad hatters tea party). she couldnt believed theyd turned up at the same place. crazy coincidence as shed been talking to this guy from afor mentioned speed date to meet up. can you see where this is going? the two fireman went and sat in the corner. then her phone rang and it was one of the fireman. hes called phil and he hadnt seen us. it eventually dawned on elizabeth that shed been texting the wrong phil all this time. and no she wasnt actually all that dappy. well she didnt appear to be anyway. what i dont get is that how come the right phil was also on his way to sante fe and arrived half on hour later. much to everyones confusion. how come youre here? what is this some kinda of renunion? etc. hilarity ensues. so i was talking to all these random people. it was so funny. at one point all the girls left and there was me sitting with these two firemen. one who was a dead ringer for jasper carrot. i tried so hard not to mention firefighter wages. and i didnt either. so im quite proud. i feel a bit bad for playing with these guys talking about their speed date experience (i was playing a bit dumb and pretending i didnt know anyone or anything). but hey. not that bad. haha. i think the wrong phil realised and left not long after. it was brilliant. just like reality tv but interactive. i was the youngest person there by a long way as well. and everyone was looking so smart in their shirts and stuff. people were kinda surprised that id nearly done a masters and was still 21. and in a posh bar. well i say posh. its just expensive. five pound a cocktail expensive. have been making a lot of errors? oh well. sorry about that. my typing seems kinda bad this morning. i tried to stay in bed as long as possible so i dont feel (and look) knackered all day. the sun kinda does that to you. anyway. i got showering and cleaning and scanning to do. then partying. yeah. some american literature girls have a house party tonight. and were meeting tom and nicola in falmer bar for last exam celebrations. tom has two today. poor dude.
26.5.2003: long time no babble. so.
the party is fast approaching. preparations are under way. its looking to be a damn good saturday night. yall. the windows at the front of the house that had been terribly painted shut by the painters have now been freed. thanks to the lovely people next door for the ladder and the heroic builder whose working on the house across the road. he rushed over crying 'no not like that youll go through the window' and preceded to unstick every damn window. even the ones that are painted on the inside. i love this town. going to the quiz tonight. have a team of size greater than two. expect some grubbs action. there are no working lights in our kitchen or living room. the darkness is upon us. ive spent the last three days working in the library. or is it four? may well be. its a way to get out of the house and actually do some decent thinking along the lines of my project (hence the blab about rna im about to do a few paragraphs down). the library is also chock full of girls. what is a boy supposed to do? how any single guy can actually get any 'real' work done in the library is beyond me. its distraction after distraction. especially sitting on the comfy seats above the entrance where you can watch tea girl come and go all the time. amongst others. going into uni every day does have its drawbacks tho (totally outweighed by me actually being productive and not playing halo and baking all day). for instance the price of travel. in time and money. the buses have now gone up to one twenty a ride. extortion. the trains are one forty five. however on sunday we waited a total of nearly an hour for the damn things to come. this waiting gives me plenty of time to practice and brush up on my pidgin french with aimee. ou est la train? dans bouche de enfant? les enfant resemble les chien. avec nest pas dent mechant. and the classic. le pamplemousse est dans la piscine. le oiseux est dans le ouef. excuse my french spelling. ben is playing pretty deep. and i can hear that hes dancing to it. hes singing a bit to. god help us all.
its been a good week for finding internet crap. my current new favourite website (possibly quite predictably) is corporate mother fucker. article upon article written by clever people. i love clever people. covers everything with much intelligence. on a more arty programming fancy website note i found is something like kyoto monocrafts thing. design to die for and some of the nicest flash applet type stuff ive seen for ages. hats off. and its really old to. and just for the hell of it check out moribundy. its an online comic done by some dude martin knows. its been getting pretty good recently.
so i saw the matrix. yes the second one. and i guess it was fun. i liked it even more when i started reading the insane about of bullshit other people have written about the film on the internet. there are newsgroups packed full of people suggesting the most rediculous amount of garbage (ysee i dont have to swear). after seeing that other film that noone has heard of i was really hoping they wouldnt take the film down the root they did. but i guess there was little else they could. all i wanna say is that i hope the next film will be all red. because i love the green-ness of the matrix. its super clever. and the blue-ness of zion and shit (ysee i just cant help it). now i want red-ness. hear me. btw. if youve seen the film theres a really good article about it on the corporate mofu website. thats a fast paced trip through religion and mythology. makes the film seem a lot better after reading it anyway. but in defence for the film.. what the fuck is wrong with you people? everyone who has dissed (dist?) it has said they were disappointed because it didnt have the same impact as the first film. well duh. its a sequel you numb-nuts. you want them to do "all" that again. and i put it in quotes because i didnt find the original film that ground breaking. earth shattering. or orgasmic. they just put together a load of other peoples ideas from films and books. albeit really well. (they could have taken out the cheese tho right?). lemme say this again. the matrix was nothing new. its was just shiny as shit. and i know 24 isnt a film.. but anyway. ever since that stupid episode a few weeks back its been kinda crappy. oh well. i knew it wasnt that good anyway.
popup news: oh wow. another popup. gee laurence. you must have far too much time on your hands.
love the colours. i spent far too long trying to get this into a state i was satisfied with. too many little things to fiddle with. and im not too convinced. im just bored or it now. im least happy with the writing bottom left. and im most happy with the first two boxes above. alas. for random useless information about it (and other popups) ive got a page of references.
in other news:
ive developed a habit of sleeping with things on my bed. like clothes and towels and random stuff. my shoulder keeps buzzing. the smallest distance you can travel is ten to the minus thirty six metres. this sovles the problem of dividing the distance between you and the javalin an infinite amount of times and then walking over an infinite amount of lengths in a finite time. because you can only divide it up until the distances are ten to the minus thirty six metres long. you cant get any smaller. problem solved. woah. we quantized the universe in two sentences. ive been reading about the eigen paradox and its rubbish. ill tell you what. rna is the most damn amazing thing ever. i dont think anything impresses me as much as rna (yo come and prove me wrong). quick run down for the non a-level biologists. dna splits into two chains on nucleotides. lets call one of these mrna (for messanger ribonucleicacid right?). this the goes out into your cell and finds rrna (ribosomal) where it passes between the two bits (that add up to weigh more/less than they do individually and summed?) when codons (triples of nucleotides) are matched to codons (must have a specific name right?) on trna (transfer). trna are attached to different amino acids depending on their codon sequence (64 possible. 3 for stop and 61 for the 20 amino acids. ooh. redundancy) and when trna is matched the amino acids join together to make polypeptides. proteins. enzymes. etc. and hence the genius of biology is explained. eigen says that such a complicated copying mechanism is something that must have been evolved. hence self replication without it. copying using enzymes is good for self replication but is too inaccurate when dealing with long sequences. and a more complicated mechanism requires long sequences. or something. im probably totally wrong here. but with a long enough time period surely anything is possible. think of a monkey the size of the moon attacked the earth. and its pink and fluffy. i guess its like the monkeys and typewriters. away from biology and futher into the crazy world of laurence. do you think its weird that i have two different toothpastes? one for the morning and one for at night. ysee one is real toothpaste. good old euthymol. i love that shit. and its pink and flouride free. but ive been studying my teeth and i decided theyre not white enough (along the same vein as me not being satisfied about anything me related recently) so bought a more 'whitener' orientated toothpaste. maybe it is weird. ive written a lot of crap in the margins of my notes. these are notes on various different methods ive devised for increasing structual neutrality into the genotype-phenotype mapping for neural networks. big words ho. i think some of the scribbles are.. i dunno. inciteful. does that have double meaning? like. incite into something? incite to violence? or are they different words? anyway. sun everywhere. its like you cant look at anything directly. this really frustrates me actually. the drawback of summer. i was trying to figure out what has actual worth. im not sure what i meant and i definately didnt arrive at any answers. but i did write clutching at straws. more of the teenage angst that keeps bubbling to the surface. why now? when im nearly bloody 22. but what is of worth? a degree that says im intelligent? a face that says im asshole? pages of doodles that say i cant draw? a website that shows how painfully unarticulate i am? ..but really try? who knows. it is true that attractiveness achieves you greater choice. this isnt a human thing. its biology. whatever. ive watched less big brother than i thought i would have done by now. they seem boring enough i suppose. hmmm. i was gutted to find my jeans had a huge whole developing that threatened to spread right up the ass. anyway. i was quite chuffed to sew them and have them back in action. i love my jeans. theyre too comfy. i dont care if they make me look a bit trampy. haha. went to the park yesterday to properly test the new frisbee. it defintately feels more real. its heavy. really takes a good swing. i guess we need to practice more. but its way more satisfying than the old one. straight as a die it is. also went down to the beach for the samba procession and general party. thing. that was pretty fun. although lets be honest it is just people beating a hell of a lot of drums. was nice sitting on the beach tho. outside the fortune of war. especially at night. we went for a stroll down the pier. and had waffles. i was worried that place had closed down. alas not. everyone went on the dodgems. bumber cars. and called me a wuss etc because i didnt want to. i aint no party pooper. its just im still feeling immensely fragile from falling down the stairs. still cant do situps. but i didnt want to say that cos it sounds a bit pathetic. so instead i went and stop on the end of the pier. this was the most terrifying experience ive had in a long time. behind you is a wall of rowdy fairground noise. the planks your standing on our constantly shaking from the rides. and infront of you is a solid curtain of darkness. hmmm. anyway. i have written far too much. no one will ever read all of that. thats nearly 2000 words. haha. and yall moan about 3000 word dissertations. hey easy man..
21.5.2003: how awful do i feel today? i feel like ive been driven over. so yeah. went to the gloucester last night with nick cliff and james. although to be fair.. james wasnt really all there. it was a good night tho. danced far too much. i guess its the best exercise i get nowadays. although i do feel so dirty for dancing to some of the stuff i end up dancing too. especially cos i bet i look like im really enjoying it. i just like dancing thats all. no i dont like ..whatever crappy band. although the dandy warhols are to die for. everyone was there last night. so many random people i half knew. some guy from a party. some guy from my first year. every girl ive ever noticed in there.. and some bitch who i swear if i ever see again ..well.. i dunno. ill do something. probably run away. anyway i know a bit of pushing and shoving goes down in the gloucester. and im top at avoiding it. i really am. and i really hate it. anyway. so this bitch who things shes all that. and then some. decides to push me really hard. in the middle of nothing. into no one cos everyone had moved out the way.. knowing the badass that i am. ahem. and the floor was uber slippy. so i ended up face planting the floor. i wouldnt have minded had i not fallen down the stairs four days previous. but recurring injury and all that. it really hurt. so this is the point that i started dancing like an asshole. it was ten to two anyway. people always ask how you dance like an asshole.. well yknow.. pretty much like everyone else but with a bit more pizzaz. and violence. lots of violence. lots of 'if you get near me i will accidently hit or kick you'. sigh. and then the next song was cosmopolitan bloodloss. haha. my nose really hurts now anyway. and my arse and back kill. i will destory that girl. she thinks she so all that.. with her britney spears baseball cap. dirty. so then we left. it took me forty minutes to get home. i had to keep stopping cos it hurt to walk. and then i saw a high speed car chase. it was crazy. i was just getting up to five ways and before i know it this car has zoomed past and disappeared down the road. it had gone before id even heard it coming. it was at least double the speed limit. fucking crazy mother fuckers. and then this huge police van hurtles past after it. action and drama. but all in all a good night. didnt think of that girl once ..and thats technically not a lie. but i guess ..hey who am i trying to fool. so i think i understand the why i work a little better. this occured to me on the way to the co-op. i crave to love someone more than i crave to be loved. is that normal? i mean.. is everyone like that? think of it as a local optimum. haha. but anyway. i think thats really dangerous because i really will just go looking to be the tragic hero. what an asshole. anyway. time for food. and baking. today we will be baking chocolate and peanut butter cookies. hell yeah.
20.5.2003: quick fill it up. um.
whatever that all means. i dont think i watched any tv yesterday. which means i missed digimon
again. just as its getting really good.
i dont even like that. i mean.. i like the original 'photograph' on its own. but that just looked stupid. i dont know. i dont really care. nevermind. ive done some really clever blurring and smoothing on that photo. so take notice.
20.5.2003: oh man. what was i thinking? what the fuck was i thinking?
19.5.2003: what? i just.. i dunno. dont read this. i dont want anyone to read this. im no doubt about to write a really.. something. i am such an asshole. what the fuck is wrong with me? i just walked home. its eleven thirteen. what the fuck have i been doing? i hate myself for so many different intertwining reasons. its been weird today. and its been awful. ive felt uncomfortable from start to finish. ive said all the stupid things to be said. at all the wrong times. thought all the wrong things. and whats worse is.. i dunno. all along ive known ive been doing the wrong thing. that i should just quit it and do something else. but i think deep down i actually want to persue something that i know is going no where. and not slightly no where. more no where than is possible. its time to give up and do something different. but yet all i want to do is fall hopelessy down this terrible spiral. why could i ever possibly want to do something so downright stupid. blatantly end with me being hurt and fucked up. where does this insane self destructive urge come from? why do i feel the need to make myself unhappy? ive felt distanced and removed from everyone all day. everything that has happened has made me feel like an outsider. i just relate to nothing. i sat in east slope bar for an hour getting more and more frustrated because i wanted to be somewhere else. then i spent an hour wandering around like an total asshole trying to.. i have no idea what the fuck i was trying to do. its pathetic. i am so pathetic it hurts. i hate it. whats with all the self pity? the need to totally immerse myself in reasons to pity myself more. why? it makes no fucking sense at all. its all bullshit. what the fuck have i been doing? and why am i still doing it? been fucking cerebral all day. i am a cunt. i want to have a really deep heavy conversation with someone. i want to explain everything in words that they understand. i want it all to make sense. and i want them to love me. im making this so much worse with everything i do. i know this. yet i still do it. i do it more. all this comes across as is a miserable laurence. sitting there being an asshole. being a pain in the ass. following people around like a dirty lost sheep. its sad and i hate it. what am i searching for? and why cant anyone fucking notice? so many horrible memories from today. id like to forget them. and i no doubt will.. just to carry on this evil fantasy. but yet its so much more than that. i hate myself for all of it. no one should give a shit at all. really. its not worth nothing. like.. i sat in the girls kitchen for ages being totally invisible. like i wasnt there at all. why the fuck was i there? why didnt i just fuck off home. or even not get the bus. i want so much more than anyone is willing to give. this is the most bullshit crap ive ever written. why am i even writing this if i dont want anyone to read it? it read like a fucking plea for help ..god forbid.. argh. why do i feel that no matter what i go through.. no matter how much i mature and learn.. i still always regress back to an asshole teenager. theres just too much. and theres this evil dark shitness in my head that im always pushing back into the shadows. its not something i can ..or would even want to explain. ..um.. ysee. this just makes it all worse. and im still doing it. like itll make some sense of it all. like falling far enough will make everything better. somehow. i havnt thought that through. none of this has any rightful place in the head of someone who is 21. fucking 21. its like.. if i sit in silence long enough.. or maybe just talk constantly.. i just. this made sense half an hour ago. speed walking up ditchling road. i spent all week looking forward today. how self drestructive is that. if you lie to yourself long enough.. i want everyone to see. and understand. but its never going happen. and b. no one gives a shit anyway. and they shouldnt. this self obsessed ego shit. id hate me too. but i mean.. she didnt even talk to me.. not even a whole sentence. thats like.. like nothing. like rotten apples. my mum once told me she thought i sometimes lacked joy. its just.. without that kind of love ..nothing seems at all important. nothing is important. and i hate myself for feeling like that. wanting something so badly.. something that you just cant have. whats a boy supposed to do? just talk more shit and.. i dont know. come over like an asshole who doesnt give a fuck about anything. some twatty emotional anguish bullshit torment crap. its all wank. i hate feeling so undesirable. i hate feeling this lonely. ..and im wearing marks tshirt. what the fuck?
19.5.2003: all you mother fuckers can kiss my ass. my big fucking ass. kiss it. get up off your knees and make me your god. laurence has got glastonbury tickets. fuck every one of you. just to prove you cant kick us while were down. hahahahahahahahaha. on a lighter note.. oh i dont have one. haha. nevermind. i keep finding new injuries. my thumb keeps going all bust up. and my shoulder is swollen to the size of a black hole. i feel like a right trooper. and our house party on the 31st is gonna rock. i tell you. went to a free drum and bass techno house trance dub reggae night at the volks last night. and drinks were cheap. it was pretty good. there was a girl who looked like tea girl. and glass girl. but yknow.. i didnt really care. now why is that? all of a sudden im just not interested. brian is singing about ashtray girl in the new placebo song. i thought that was funny. hmm. i didnt mention that i baked fudge brownies. oh well. too late now. theres a story in there to tell. somewhere. but i dont know where. i took them round the girls house but they were kinda busy. so i walked home and it rained on me all the way. what a pathetic fallacy. oh well. running out of steam now. i had plenty to write. nevermind. been listening to throwing muses. the real ramona is just amazing. no really. it is. butters and out.
17.5.2003: okay i admit it. i did it all for attention.
16.5.2003: so im sitting around being bored. and i thought.. lets do something dramatic. hey heres an idea ..lets throw myself down the stairs (this is not true):
so now i hurt. its not really what i had in my mind when i said i wanted something exciting to happen. but it was a bit crazy there for a minute. i actually managed to fall all the way down the flight of stairs into the kitchen.. from the top to the bottom. i wasnt even running. damn it. i think im lucky that i only grazed my arm and bruised my ass really. you should have heard it ..sounded like something falling down the stairs. huh? ..and that graze was through a tshirt as well. battle scar. or perhaps not. i knew a girl who died after falling down some stairs. but i guess she tripped. that was really tragic tho. hmmm. anyway. it kinda hurts to sit down. so im going to go and cook myself some dinner. standing up. feeling a bit hysterical. um. i was kinda hoping to be cooking for the girls tonight. but nevermind. oh and another one just for fun. with me looking a little bit more serious.
gore. um. kinda of..
15.5.2003: um. where to start? ive got plenty of ultra boring things to write about but none of them are really starting material. ive made some big decisions. but i dont wanna talk about those. theyre not too important. my body feels like its rejecting itself. its really stressed and wont calm down. its not like i have any work or anything. maybe im just kinda emotionally distraught. although that sounds a little too dramatic. i went for a run earlier but just couldnt hack it. my chest was really hurting. i think that was because i sleep with arm around myself. i feel weird admitting that. but i just cant sleep without that kinda comfort. so my shoulder breast thing was really hurting. but then my back was really hurting too. like how it was during my exams last year ..which was purely down to the terrible seats they have in the library and exam halls. i remember it being so hard to stand up after an exam to walk out the exam room. but ive never hurt like that from running before. my legs didnt hurt at all. im holding myself all wrong the whole time. im far too tight. it just wont relax itself. but anyway. enough about me.. went onto campus and it was sunny and gorgeous. summer clothes all round. saw tea girl too. that was fun i guess. i dont think i understand the whole tea girl thing. lets be honest. i mean. i dont know. other things i can rationalise. things i dont feel safe enough talking about on this page anyway. else i would. but whatever ramble ramble. then i was walking over to cogs and trying to sort my walkman out. while balancing this stupid folder and disks and stuff. anyway. i managed to drop all of it in the most idiotic way right by afras tea room where everyone was sitting out on the grass. and there was tea girl watching me be an ass. she was sitting with this hunk of a guy. but oh well. i didnt really care. never really did. but yknow. whatever. she is nice and everything. shutupshutupshutup. ive been listening to a lot of smashing pumpkins and belly. especially the aeroplane flies high and gish. those bsides are all amazing. as ive said many a time before. and belly.. well.. i was sitting in aimees room and she was playing some song. and i said it kinda sounded like hot burrito #1 ..what? oh nevermind. you mean the burrito brothers? uh yeah i guess. well it sounds like them because thats the same singer. gram. (is this conversation readable? i dunno. maybe i should have done it mirc style or something. next time ey?) ..now this doesnt seem weird because yknow.. obviously id think it sounded like hot burrito because its the same singer. but id never actually heard the original version of the song. anyway. that was why i picked up my best of belly cd. go that cd. its go broken on it. i love that song. and all the other songs on it ..but whatever. i cant be bothered to talk about all the other crap i could talk about. im sure theres some gems in there really. but.. hey.. i just cant be bothered. ug. consumed by apathy. makes me feel so dirty. i need to sleep now. but i feel i need to start teaching myself to lie flat else i wont be able to walk. its not that anyway.. its just. yeah. whatever. nevermind. party at ours 31st may. be there or i hate you. unless you have reasonable excuse. but ill be the judge of that. anyway. the burrito brothers. gram. apparently he died when he was 27 or something. and his friends hijacked the funeral and stole the body. they took it out to the desert and burnt it.. because thats what he wanted. i think thats a cool story anyway. goodnight..
13.5.2003: okay okay okay. here it is. ive been fucking this for ages and im bored to death of it. its been needing some words across it for weeks now. and i had none. anyway. i trawled my archives of crap poems from when i was young (hence cant be embarressed by them) and found that one. ignore whether its actually any good or not.. it is kinda fitting. so i stuck it in. and at last ive got this:
had a nightmare cutting those squares out. not really happy with them but nevermind. theyre only for clicking. click james. hes my favourite. too many bloody words. there seems to be a bit of a waves theme. theres five popups that have waves in now. mind.. nearly all of them have barcodes. this technically doesnt have a barcode in it. but i think its near enough. blah.
13.5.2003: hey. wasup? the lovely smell of tuesday has arrived. so ive got my project supervisor and title sorted. and i happy. so this is good. we had a party on our landing the other day. it was a bit of a disco. strobe. swirly coloured lights. funky music. at one point it was brimming with a full eight people. if you know how small the landing outside my room is then ..well.. good for you. it was a good bit of (reaches for the dictionary) spontaneity. i got loads of movies from it too. and a few weird photos. thatll ill be presenting here.
i love strobes. i know everyone moans about getting a headache but you do get used to it. if you dance enough you can overcome anything. this is true. given the right song you can achieve whatever you want. i believe this. but anyway. thats ben looking downright scary at the top and aimee at the bottom. and just for the hell of it heres a photo of aimee in the shower..
dont be a perv. she was cleaning it. but i think the photos cool as fuck. so there. haha. i got a really good photo that really reminded me of the cell. i guess a lot of you would think thats a bad thing. but cmon. that film is gorgeous. even tho jeniffer lopez is in it. whatever. i wanna use that on something decent anyway. and because i keep forgetting. heres the jolly brewer. its one of the nearest pubs to my house. i just thought it was funny. i mean.. i know it isnt. but still. and i know you cant read the signs or anything. but still. you all trust me right?
so yeah. i was coming back from uni on the bus and was thinking stuff. and i wrote this on my phone.
its just.. the absolute fear i felt when i left birmingham. fear is the wrong word. but its the only
word i can think of. and a text i recieved one summer afternoon in the garden. everything turned
an agonising shade of red. and i dont mean that metaphorically. everything was red. this burning hopeless feeling. then waking up one morning in a bubble of unreality thats now molded itself into the norm. like a time paradox in a bad sci-fi film. something that just doesnt make sense.
and then doing the wrong thing ..finding out something that makes you feel hysterically nervous. this all
sounds terribly angsty. but the last twevle months have had the softest underbelly.
11.5.2003: i can still smell butter on my fingers from when i made cookies. i might make cup cakes next. or fudge brownies. which is easiest? i think cup cakes are probably easier but more fuckupable. i went shopping yesterday. bought a glow in the dark frisbee. its nice. rad. whatver. thought id get some dvds too. since i can watch them now. so i walked into virgin and to be quite honest i was shocked. whats wrong with people? like flies around shit. i was horrified. so i bought my dandy warhols single and left as soon as possible. asap. im a terrible consumer. i wont deny it. but im totally aware and totally grossed out by it. i think this makes it a little less worse. i just wrote some terribly pretentious sentences and deleted them. its hours later and i have no idea what i was writing about. um yeah. feel a bit rushed now. whats with that. keep thinking about this.. yeah.. trying to work out a plan.. for like.. this thing. nothing is going to work. i should just leave it. oh my god. what the fuck am i talking about. ultrashit today. sorry guys. im looking like such an arse now. oh fuck it.
10.5.2003: so i had a potato. and another dream about this girl. i hate dreams like that. they make me stay in bed for at least an extra half hour wishing that i hadnt woken up and would just fall back to sleep. slumber. but last night was fun. went to bar rogue but the bouncer wouldnt let me in because i was wearing scruffy jeans. id like to point out that nick had already gone in wearing tattier jeans that me. and they let tom in to tell nick and nic. anyway. we waited outside. christine was working on the bar so she told the other woman there and she came out to tell the bouncers to let me in. how cool is that? i was quite chuffed. the bouncer was kinda nice about it. i mean. as nice as you can be. he was kinda acting like he was doing his job. i know theres a lot of discression but if you get told to not let tramps in then you cant let them in. i was a lot nicer tho. lux pointed out that i can be too understanding sometimes. this is true. but im also often not understanding enough. you cant trust a man with gun at all. so we all had a few drinks while trying to decide what to do. half us went to the volks and half to the joint. ive never been to the volks and really wanted to but it would have been me nick nic and cliff. not enough i didnt think. i mean.. i dunno. drum and bass nights. i havnt been to one in brighton but i dont like the kinda people that go there. or the clubs theyre at. so its gonna need a big posse. so i went to action-a-go-go. we went even. aimee and matt were at the front of the queue when we got there. all good. i got this beyblade spinner thing in a pack of monster munch (shut it) and its amazing. it spins so fast for ages. and its got a serated edge. evil. i want a metal one. i want to go to the cinema. i might take a wonder into town. buy a decent frisbee. i dunno. bleugh. i hate being in town on my own. still looking for words. for three things. of varying importance. um. help me please. someone. anyone.
9.5.2003: i dont have any dinner and its all aimees fault. musnt moan. so. the sky looks like a wall covered in texture tester pots. if such things existed. ive been really on edge. while walking around. i dont know why. i was crossing the road at the junction by the jolly brewer (hey jo remind me to send you a photo of that place) and i was crossing the otherside and the cars had all stopped. but this bus was pulling into the road. obviously it was miles away from me but for some reason i just saw this huge shadow rushing towards me and really freaked out. kinda jumping still in the middle of the road. and then on the way back there was a buzz and it felt like a fly had flown into my ear. this kinda freaked me out a bit. so i tried to get it out but it was stuck and felt kinda huge. so i pushed it really hard. thats when i realised i was wearing headphones and was freaking out for no reason. but it was horrible. anyway. whatever. i went to the girls. i made a load of checkerboard cookies and thought id take some round for the hard working gals. it was nice to just pop round. yeah. id talk about it more but they know of my website and yknow.. who knows what i might write and might be read. that sounds like theres something bad id say about them or something. thats not it at all. but whatever. they were good cookies tho. that looks wrong. is how you spell it? the sky looks amazing down here. purple pussy rocks. so. i discovered that i can actually watch dvds on my computer. i was trying to watch them full screen before and the sound couldnt keep up. but i never tried them normal size. duh. so after all these months ive eventually watch the warrior and the princess. and yes. it was really really good. expect it to be joining all the other films i like on this rather unfinished page. but yeah.. loved the film. i really want to talk about it. i hate it when you see a film and no one else has so theres no one to talk to about it. argh. maybe my mission for tonight should be to find someone who has seen it. its better than lola rennt. run lola run. whatever. ive been working on a new popup. its nice. its got hokusais waves in it. i dunno if thats cheesey but theyre well fitting. and some of my old evoart stuff as well. all layers and lovely. but i need some words for it. nothing fitting. oh well. wheres the poet in me. he did when i was fifteen when he realised he didnt exist. apparently the world hates million dollar hotel. oh well. everyone hates dark city as well. why do people hate films that i like? i think its because i like them for weird reasons. perhaps. avalon. random words. not really. im gonna have to go and make me some dinner. see.. aimee said i could have some of her bolognaise so dinner was done. except she gave some to ben instead and now theres none left. so i dont know what to do. is that even how you spell bolognaise? i dont want to think about it. btw. i havnt written on this page for days because i have done nothing all week. its depressing. all i want to do is go hang in the park with people but everyones busy with finals and shit. i should be writing my phd proposal but its not coming to me. im losing. in more ways than one. while im on the subject of feeling sorry for myself theres a girl i kinda like. and shes totally not interested. its a kinda new situation for me. i dont mean that how it sounds. or more like its a twist on an old.. thing. but yeah. obviously loads of girls who ive liked havnt been interested. all but like. not many. what i meant was.. oh i dunno. well i do. but it doesnt matter. its not worth my effor in explaining it. i just hope no one bothered reading this far on this entry. look at the lovely short next two entries. read them. and scroll down for the pictures. yum. my waffle is big-word of my word-i-dont-understand.
5.5.2003: did you know the highest recorded running speed of a giraffe is 35 miles/hour? amazing.
4.5.2003: if only i worked this hard on my academic studies.
3.5.2003: will everyone please stop talking about my penis. for the last time tom.. no you cant fucking see it. shit man. anyway. gutter mouth. id really like to apologise for that. so yes. oh wait. im gonna go and play halo. be right back. yeah. i think were going onto campus. although once again weve left it far too late and nic and nick havnt even started dinner yet. ugg. saw mr scruff last night. went with the girls. dont believe we drained a bottle of tequila in about half an hour. crazy girls. it was well good fun tho. even with beccas shenanigans. which reminds. ive really got to stop being such an ass. its starting to really fuck me off. but hey. had an in depth conversation with sally all the way home. about driving. and its got me thinking that i really should sort it out. i mean.. ive let it slip again and havnt had any lessons for months. and i walked emma home. how noble is that? haha. she lives up the most amazing hill. it was a good walk. did you see tatu on top of the pops? their new single is amazing. like ben pointed out.. it does sound like the prodigy. i went to town ealier. got the new red snapper cd. its got a sewn label on the front. and i got dirt finally. havnt listened to it. i should be theres something stopped me. i dunno. its just that i feel like im really not going to like it. but hey. i also felt that i had to get it. and it was only six quid anyway. automatic kafka go. umm. all weirdness. ive been feeling awkward after finishing exams. i got into exam mind set far too late and havnt recovered. im still waking up at six every morning and not being able to go back to sleep. bloody moping about like a lost sheep. its pathetic. then a minute later my brain will turn into action laurence and ill talk some shit really fast. and im not doing myself any favours. i keep making excuses for myself but yknow.. in the end its just me being an arse. anyway. i love this popup business. im really going over the top recently. i know i know. but hey. ive got two on the go today. i finished this one anyway. its not perfect but i ran out of ideas. another amazing photo with really little needing doing to it. it reminds me of avalon. film by the guy who did ghost in the shell. really reminds me of it actually. anyway.
blah blah. as the name suggests.. its a house destoyer. umm. i gotta go. ill talk about this later. or rather right now to you. but hey. this is about me not you. egomaniac. so yeah. just ignore me. anyway. the photo. i stole it from here ages ago. i feel im picking on israel a bit with my choice of sources but its not my fault if all the really outstanding photos ive seen recently have come from all the horrific shit thats been going down. the photo is of children taking on an armoured 'house destroyer' (bulldozer right?) in rafah. thats in gaza right? im not going to pretend i understand all the insanity thats going on over there. but whatever.
1.5.2003: may day riots. or maybe not. i wont talk about my last exam ever. must resist. had a damn good day actually. ignoring the fact i got up at six and everything that occured before twelve. so yeah. i think i might be starting to sort my masters thesis out. its looking good. i hope. i can talk clever stuff about it. just try me. i found something interesting out. finally. putting salt in water doesnt make it boil quicker. it raises its boiling temperature. so it actually takes longer to boil but the same time to get to 100 degrees. you can have hot hot water but without it boiling. aha. so now you know. science. cheers becca for sorting that out. i was reading someones livejournal yesterday (yeah yeah shut up) and they said that nearly everything creative theyve ever done has been to impress this one guy. i may be bending this a little. anyway. im pretty sure that used to be true for me. but i grew out of it. now im trying to impress as many people as possible. haha. as if. but yeah. it was nice to know that it wasnt just me who works like that. its weird isnt it? is it like an obsessive thing? i dont think it is. i really dont. but whatever. did i tell you that dirty sanchez is the only program left that can actually make me properly laugh. what have i become? oh well. so i know i only stuck up a new popup like yesterday. but hey. i couldnt let the photos i got from nausea manifesto go to waste. so i did this one.
the child is just amazing. i was staring at that photo for ages trying to work out what to do with it. it was so powerful as it was yknow. it was kinda perfect. and i really wanted to use it. it says so much. so i had to do something. i just messed around. its really terrible propaganda actually. and im admitting it here. because the message it kinda gives off has no relevance to the photo at all. its like using a photo of a cow to promote mcdonalds. well i dunno. if it wasnt for the stupid stars and the unfortunate colour scheme id allow myself to get away with it. but there you go. i know its bad. and im publicly stating it. dont do it kids. its naughty. im so tired i feel sick. haha.
30.4.2003: shit. i just saw the best episode of samurai jack ever. he followed these day-glo neon kids to a hardcore techno rave and.. well. the rest is history. he got decked out in orange pants and neon waist coat. catinthehat hat and green wrap arounds. haha. then got attacked by girls with light stick pois and had the best kungfu fight ever. all to the background of bleepy nosebleed techno. then the soundsystem combined together to form this huge robot with a dj booth for a head. it was awesome. anyway. first of may tomorrow. expletives deleted. shucks. wont talk about exams. i cant see my life past the first of september. i have no idea what im going to be doing. i feel im about to walk the plank. not even into water. theres like nothing there. that was dumb. anyway. yeah. ive got some things to look forward to coming up very soon. lets just not hope my old fantasy brain doesnt get carried away in the meantime. dangerous dude. so. i am a work machine. i just want it to let up for a little yknow. but alas. who knows. its hard to think with a head full of rain. these are just words. you are just words. everything is just words. words. words. words. haha. anyone recognise that? no? good. glassjaw are amazing. i just wish glassjaw was more of an abstract concept. i mean. when it comes down to it glassjaw is just five guys. and yknow. thats far from perfect. its all just one big deception. whatever. i was saying something. developing a crush on someone you kinda know is a terrible thing to do. its a good job thats not what im doing. raises eyebrow. two tabs of mescaline please. el mark. id like to talk about sars. but i did that already. so i wont. what do i want? what the fuck do i want?!? this is a question i need to answer really really damn fast. faster than that. anyway. does anyone want to buy a tshirt? id really like to start making tshirts. i want to make my own tshirts. i got plenty of tshirts i could have designed myself. thinks about it. well i got a few. anyway. fuck it. heres something new in an old style.
its my new colour too. you like it? its a damn nice red. although it looks too orange at uni. dont know why because its got no green in it. see. i know my colour theory. i know colour quite well. we have a good relationship me and colour. my friends the colours. at what point do people stop reading a news entry? sheesh. have you ever thought that these eyes are not your eyes. i saw the house hippo advert earlier. i mean. i like it yknow. its about time people started stamping liar all over the media. i like the posh noodle posters tho. with the two kids starting through the shop window. yeah it made me laugh. sigh.
28.4.2003: i dont want to get hung up on the whole having a physical form thing. and im not. but it is a pain. its just not fitting. it doesnt really make sense. i hope this doesnt sound like angst. because i dont think it is. its just not fair. anyway. i like the new dandy warhols video. if anyone can name a band that is more attractive than them and i agree then ill buy them something seriously expensive and good. i promise. scouts honour. so. that coupled with the white stripes and the queens of the stone age. i think its time to invent a new colour. and that colour is #B00000. or B for short. (get the caps). word:
i say yes. now what to do with it? i do love the old #707590. btw.. countdown to first exam is 39 hours. so there you go. getting back to physicality. its wrong how it should effect you. its just.. i dunno. must stop watching music videos. must stop reading nonuglies on livejournal. why is it that youre attracted like that to things you really despise? do i love to hate that much? id really hope its not such a driving force. alas. id love to have some stories for you. im sure ive got much to tell.. but not now. new colour integration.
oh why i laugh. although i cant take full responsibility for this one.. it is undoubtably the funniest popup ever. apart from maybe the suicide one. but that wasnt exactly very pc was it? the fun you can have with left over veg. believe you me. what a productive night we had. i stayed up late and watched million dollar hotel. i actually really liked it. people are gonna frown on me for saying this but it does kinda make you wanna be a bit dumb. haha. i know what i mean. its not that rude. trust me. a few things got me thinking tho. its weird how several people say separate things to you in one night and a single thought comes from it. a bold one at that. but i cant tell you what it is. stab in the dark. the one single thing that im worried about most is that ive been lied to about what im supposed to feel. and im going to be worse off for it in the long run. maybe living your life in constant search of something is the only way it can really work. i hope that doesnt sound too vague. and i really hope it doesnt sound like any of the things that it might be about and isnt ..because its probably not. not that one. change your mind. again. i had a sad day yesterday. listening to mogwai all day felt really good. yeah. i dont wanna go into it. its not worth it. the girls invited me round for dinner on thursday. that was really nice. i definately enjoy their company. theyre good fun. they said they were gonna invite me round for a grease night next week. maybe. if its after my two exams anyway. but could i still sit through three hours of watching grease? would it be worth it? ive got a horrible feeling it might. what the hell does that mean? worth what? i dont know. dont know at all. except yknow.. i probably do. okay. this entry ends here. ive been getting more and more incomprehensible and its got to stop. theres the line. right there.
24.4.2003: well i couldnt wait. so heres the new popup.
sorry about all the blood. but yknow. i thought it had been a while since id done anything a bit 'political'. the guy is carlo giuliani. he was an anti-capitalist protester who got shot by police at the group of eight summit. if you wanna read about it or see the amazing photos then go to nausea manifesto.
24.4.2003: that last post was a horrific ramble. i got all my work in btw. in the end it was okay. as ever. and i saw a possible supervisor for my final project and didnt make an ass of myself. i actually said some clever things. haha. now ive just gotta write a few lines description of what i want to do. cool. so yes. instead of the early night i wanted i waited up for ben to get back from uni. his dissertation is in today. i wanna go into uni and feel the joy of everyone handing in. i may yknow. who knows. but why i really stayed up was to do that popup i mentioned. but yeah. i cant decide which one to use. so what do you think? a or b? answers on a friendly e-card (poll now closed).
23.4.2003: at least i didnt temp fate by writing 'and i havnt been woken up with cramp for ages'. oh.. nevermind. im hoping lux is going into uni earlier cos it really hurts to walk on it. nevermind. i think. at least my essays are kinda done. they are. its nearly nine. i should get going soon to get them in. fuck. my leg. it wasnt even that bad. i just hope i dont keep getting it. i havnt had it for ages. things i discovered. the perfect circle album is amazing. transglobal underground are actually pretty good. the asian dub foundation album is really good also. about time they did an album to compete with their first. the roots manuva dub come save me cd is also becoming a fave of mine. the white stripes video may be able to compete with the queens of the stone age. it would never win. but it is damn good. i hate it. it really fucks youre eyes. or brain. or whatever. i never wanna see it again. which is cool cos jo sent it me over aim so i can watch it all the time. no need for mtv2 mother fuckers. cheese. look. i gotta stop writing this. i gotta work. ive started to really like euthymol toothpaste. with my new glassjaw tshirt and my old school bagpack i look cool as fuck. my leg hurts. i had kinda hoped id grown out of cramp. but nevermind. since i only had it last year.. like. whatever. and to think of all the potatos bananas salt and water i had yesterday. did make me feel like i was back in birmingham. can pain make you sentimental like that? haha. whatever. yknow i feel less of a person because i dont have a bus pass. although it is nice walking down the street on the summers morning. listening to zion train. cherry blossom falling everywhere. why is it falling in spring? does it do that? i dont know. so its actually eight now. at night. i stopped somewhere and carried on. dont know. had fun in uni. was just hanging around. didnt really want to leave cos there were loads of people around just chilling. was nice. but i got the bus into town. bought some books. just as im discovering other good artists and start thinking maybe dave mckean isnt the total dude he goes and releases an amazing book. its like a collection of all his stuff. top shit. i tell ya. and the system. by peter kuper. thats really good too. anyway. i sat on the beach for ages. it was awesome. and i lied on the beach too. its good that you can hear the waves when you got headphones on. its you the chemical brothers and the sea. bit of zion train too. a revolution smile song. sun. summer. etc. blah blah. i just did a new popup. i got two variations and i dont know which to use. theres lots of blood this time tho. haha. anyway. i really need to bed it. so im off. gnight.
20.4.2003: a few random short thoughts for the day. i really like the bus driving past my house every firteen minutes or half an hour. its a comforting sound. keeps me in a warm place. theyve been playing le tigre in the background of gonzo all week. gonzo is a program on mtv2. i dont watch it. the nouglies group on livejournal is full of bad people. maybe without exception. im not sure. its one of the most disgusting things ive found on the internet since koonago. easter is pretty meaningless. jo said 'hehe im in your news' so im putting her in again. i have now not not seen lost in space. it was shitter than i had imagined. my favourite bit was when the kid explained he didnt manage to download all of the robots neural network so he fixed it with some of his own brain. science. i wish i was that good at neural nets. also the time thing doesnt work. if you fuck with time in films you must do it properly. taking their philosophical (and i use the word lightly) view on how time works ..and using it thoughout the film. they actually all die. not such a happy ending now is it? no its not. its bullshit. wasted two hours watching that. essay is actually getting done. slowly. more thoughts to come. twenty four. last episode was kinda well good. this episode was just a bit of a joke. i mean. come on. me and ben were joking about plot developments half way through and they all actually happened at the end. we were joking. oh well. dumb. should i carry on working on my essay or call it a night? um. dont know. ill talk to jo some more. ha.
19.4.2003: hey. i just updated one of my old popups. yknow. the one with the eye and pier. it was a bit messy. alright. a lot messy. id ignored the bits i wasnt focusing on. anyway. i added in this sweet lil 'reflection'. so. yo. corey? what do you think? can remember what it looked like before and how much better it is? i dunno. theres a house warming party rocking next door. i wanna go. but no one else does. poop. my fucking audio out on my computer is bust. fuck fuck fuck. fuck. what am i supposed to do? i cant listen to mp3s. argh. i have no idea what to do to fix it. do i take it to sony or pc world? both of which are miles away. cant take my computer in cos i need it so bad. nevermind. ive been cussing a lot recently. all this damn stress. bleugh. bed time.
19.4.2003: prick prick prick. i cant believe ive done this. its five already. ive had this compostion knocking around for a while now. and i hated it. so i sorted out and made a new popup. fucking asshole. i have work to do. why do i waste my time making these stupid images?
the only way im going to get my work done is by deleting paint shop pro. fuck. why cant i just sit down and do my work? anyway.. went down the gladstone last night. was nice. then went to the shitty indie night at the gloucester. it was arse. barely any good tunes. no drinks offers. not a nice girl in the whole building. pish. nevermind. i think my smiley is a pretty damn decent smiley tho. and to think i spent ten minutes trying to find a decent clipart one on the internet. hmmm. i wonder what hope destroys? it used to say but now its 'off screen'. hmm. mystery. as for mysteries weve currently got the 'ben vs tea' sweepstake. this starting at quarter to four. i hid bens tea. he must be getting desperate for a cuppa. anyway. ive got 10p on it taking him 3 to 4 hours. then aimees got the next hour. or was it matt? oh i dunno. lux has three to four days anyway. i told ben ill answer questions and clues but always lie (which includes telling him i dont know). ive already told him that the tea is definately in my room. and its definately in his room too. that was a bit mean because although its technically not in his room. he needs to be in his room to find it. i put them in a plastic bag and pinned them to the outside of his window. he may find them when he shuts his windows. but itll be dark. who knows. i feel it is safe to say this as ben doesnt have internet access. if you want to join the sweepstake then send me an email or text (of phone me on the usual number) with your designated time and bet. if youre worrying about poor ben not getting any tea and falling asleep then youll be glad to know ive also hidden two teabags around the house. these are easy to find. one is behind a news article pinned to the notice board and one is in the hall lamp shade. yknow how much work i have? i dont have time to mess about with tea. fuck.
18.4.2003: i spent most of yesterday falling asleep in the garden trying to read a behavioural ecology book. pish. oh well. so i woke up really early. i always piss around so the earlier i start the better. however ive just pissed around even longer. i have this to prove it.
i quite like it. been trying to turn it into a popup since i made this website out of it. i think my popups are turning into a bit of a portfolio. anyway. we ended up not going out last night. not accidently bumping into bandana girl. and not achieving anything. nevermind. i better have some breakfast anyway. then really start my work. not thumb through iconian fonts trying to find new and interesting typefaces. oh well.
17.4.2003: im back in brighton. its hard to explain quite how good it feels to back. its like being on holiday but at home. its good to see people. we had a bbq (i cant spell it so..) last night which was pretty cool. came back yesteday anyway. with mum and nan. that was nice. i even got my first big shop done. so im all fooded up. something doesnt quite feel right tho. i dunno. i just feel a bit ..? what? i dunno. the word dejected seems perfect. more to do with how its spelt and looks than what it actually means. but still. theres just a few things i feel i need answers for. maybe. i know its kinda bad to try and rationalise stuff. but its what im like. i dont like not knowing stuff. hmmm. anyway. good to see exploding dog on jos link page. yeah.
15.4.2003: so im sitting in the garden working on my computer. its warmer out here than it is in there. anyway. theres a horrific croaking noise going on. really loud. i thought it was the kids next door fucking around. this is gonna sound obvious to you. but get this. it was actually a frog. how cool is that? thing is he saw me when i came back with my camera and pissed off underwater. but im playing a waiting game. hell be back. and ill be ready. last night in rugby. think were gonna watch monsters inc. cool. i got a new popup. this is a bit mixed. its fucking gorgeous but theres something not quite finished about it.
for information about sources go to here. yeah.
15.4.2003: morning. hmm. i still dont believe that i missed that woman get 'stabbed' in the head on this morning. i missed the live tv event of the year ..and whats worse is i always have that on when im working. oh well. saw paul mcartney on sunday. went with my mum. i guess it was fun and everything. but never been much of a fan. nice guy tho. it didnt seem like a three hour gig. and i couldnt get out of my head how its a bit unfair that he nearly cancelled and then glassjaw did. hmmm. anyway. ive got a new website being born and its right here. go look and tell me what you think. i really like it but dont really know what to do with it. hmmm. i dont really need a new website. i could convert this one to that. it does look a bit like an online diary. i could change it to 'wear' and sell clothes. but as if. hmmm. who knows. maybe i could sell it on ebay. haha. i worked out a new poi thing. im really chuffed about it. someone only taught me how to start out. then i worked out how to go backwards and do all that shit. but once again i feel a bit stuck and dont know where to go now. so again i feel like someone needs to teach me some shit. yeah. i feel like getting a bit introspective. but hmmm. more like i did yesterday. i had a very thoughtful day. it was definately weird. i cant believe its been three years since i walked down that river. and things do feel really different now. i mean. things are supposed to change like that. but its still strange. i guess im having a weird year. weird in a bad way? i dont know about the negative thing. i guess in the last year ive lost a lot ..and left a lot behind. i mean. three years in birmingham and i havnt seen any of my old friends since i left. i do feel a bit shit about that. and all the other shit. and now its getting to the point in the year where ive got to start planning my future again. i do want to do a phd. at least i think i do. but im not as confident as i used to be. i mean. im really sure i could go up to birmingham and do it there but i dont know if i want to. i dont think i do. but theres the word think again. not sure. i read something on someones live journal that i really recognised. hmmm. waffle waffle. anyway. word up. work time.
12.4.2003: hmmm. okay. well. yeah. what is it? i mean. some evil poetic justice. or just karma righting the balance somewhat? like something that good has to have its pit falls. nothing can be that good. im not really angry. itd be easy to get pissed off. but itd be all wrong. no one likes that band more than me. ill take you up on it if you reckon youve got a strong case. i do feel a bit hard done by that they actually manage to start the tour this time. and even friends of friends get to see them. and its not like rescheduling will be okay cos it was only coincidence that id be around to be able see them in wolverhampton. oh well. i guess thats it now as well. theyre not gonna come over again. its probably just not worth it. but oh well. ykno what they say. the light that burns twice as bright burns half as long. on a lighter note. corey pointed out to me that they sell easter cards in town. is this a new thing? and who the fuck would send someone a happy easter card? i dont know. i havnt seen all of it but the new white stripes video looks amazing. anyway. so this has got me thinking. a while ago i had a fortune cookie from the chinese down the road. it said 'someone is watching you smile'. how nice everyone thought. to me that is nothing but sinister. and now look. no fucking glastonbury ticket. no fucking glassjaw. no fucking anything. bullshit. me not having a glastonbury ticket. i havnt missed a single glastonbury festival since ive been alive. maybe thats why im a bit pissed off. ive been there through all the mud and all the shit line ups. always bought a ticket. always been decent. its like a part of my life or something. its more important that christmas. and more fun than my birthday. so you might say that yknow.. ive had my fair share and its time for other people to go. bullshit to that. all the people who have tickets are people who subscribe to the (go lux) 'system of fear'. those knarcky fuckers. noice is a nice word to look at. fuck cart-poles.
so far today.. the number of times laurence has:
heard the word 'regime' - 38
heard the word 'coallition' - 26
heard the word 'gday' - 8
heard the word 'boobars' - 5
watched the 'go with the flow' video - 4
eaten strawberry cheesecake yoghurt - 1
been to the dentist - 1
said the word 'like' - 604
todays live journal entry was bought to you by the insane amount of work laurence has to do ..and that was a joke. for fuck sake.
10.4.2003: yknow what? sora is insanely fit in the second series of digimon. its sad but true. and its gotta be said. nevermind. its weird how the remains of the fruit smoothie i made the other day (that was quite fruity and gorgeous i might add) looked identical to vomit as i poured it down the sink. i bet you really wanted to know that. well did you know that theres a japanese spider that weaves a web with five centers. it looks amazing. better than my fruity vomit anyway. or should that be vomity fruit?
10.4.2003: yashis been licking the valerian in the garden. this is kinda funny. i mean. i know cats are lazy fuckers at the best of times.. but i noticed shes been acting more dopey than usual and i guess thats why. valerian is a natural source of valium. so now my cat is a valium addict. hmmm. i really like the song on 40. it was pretty not very good last night tho. the first episode seemed mostly about drugs. last night was all sex. so maybe tonight its gonna be rock and roll. eddie wasnt in it much either. which was a bit crappy. oh well. so what i meant the other day. america can be all smug about sorting out iraq. but its worth remembering that they used to be part of the problem. they supported the regime all those years back. provided them with half of their weapons. and now theyre just using it as a vehicle to assert their dominance in the world. its dirty. anyway. im supposed to be trying not to mention the war. but then.. yknow. this page has kinda turned into me rambling about various stuff that happened. and all i get all day is war stuff. working in the lounge. laptop on lap. sitting infront of the tv. theres another advert with fish driving around. this time its fish acting like cars. instead of cars that are fish. no but really.. is dave mckean being hired to do adverts or what? go with the flow can have my babies. the reason i dont like talking about the war is that it makes me hypocritical. as if i really know all that. thats not what i ever try and say tho. i just get angry at what other people say. but to comment on that i always end up talking about it. hmmm. theres too much involved to ever say it all in one go. like every time someone brings up the vegetarian argument. they always narrow in on one of my reasons. any reason on their own never really stands up. especially considering stuff like me not being vegan. but know. people always do that at parties. bring up the vege thing. anyway. now im really rambling. hmmm. so the iraq government were killing oodles of their people. as if america isnt killing millions of people. its just more subtle. and its slower. and i mean it quite literally. ho hum. okay. now im really really gonna shut up about it. no more mention of it. at all. yknow now im just gonna start dissing england. its less easy of a target. is this because i know more about it? haha. ysee. im very open about it. not doing me any favours tho is it? i want a holiday. i need a holiday.
9.4.2003: i admit it. queens of the stone age are amazing. and all it took to convince me was a damn good video ..to point me in the direction of a damn good song. its not glassjaw but it is fantastic. so id like to thank the band for doing that. and for putting the video on the same single as the unkle remix. love. but ignoring all the love. all the news tonight has been about that statue. that nothing. non event. one small happening. a few hundred people. if that. no big deal. but oh well. nevermind. just dont mention the war. fuck the media. so theres anarchy in the streets of bahgdad. if only itd spread. like the best infectious disease we could ever ask for. maybe it could follow the troops home. now that would be a media circus.
9.4.2003: okay. i wasnt gonna write about this. cos yknow. its not my business and i always come across as a bit of an ass. kinda uninformed. and hence definately part of the problem. but im watching the tv. at last we get some decent footage from iraq. a guy running through the streets crying and shouting thank you to everyone. anarchy in the streets. and this.. theyre pulling down his statue. the people pulling him down. they even got an american tank to help pull it down. and now theyve got americans climbing over the statue tying the ropes and cables for them. but then the asshole goes and puts an american flag around the statues head. and my heart falls. its true. they claim liberation but all that was is imperialism. that was what an american troop did instinctively. the prick. it really shows it for what it is. but yeah. were getting all these images of liberation and happy people. i just hope the americans dont get too smug about this. as that one troop just proved.. they dont have the peoples intentions at heart. they never talked much about liberation before the war. it was all about weapons of mass destruction (sic). haha. maybe they were just trying to sell it to the people. anyway. i feel much much better now they replaced it with an iraq flag. that soldier is gonna get his ass busted for such brilliant anti-american propaganda. love it. fucking fools. im sure youve all seen this on tv. but its kinda weird watching it live. i wonder if theyll cut out the american flag bit in america. or thatll be all theyll show. how does it work? obviously the troops thought it was the right thing. maybe the public will too. who knows. i just hope not. as rstevens nicely pointed out. youre not all jerks. oh here we go. say something momentus. says corey. woah. america saves the world. yay. haha. now it just looks like a limp dick. ho hum. for the record. i do think its good that the countries been 'liberated'. it is a good thing. the guy is a bastard. woah. look at the chaos. theyre smashing it. thats what i call quality tv. this is the best tv since september eleventh. i just beg there to be no mcdonalds in iraq. there it is. thers a campaign. no mcdonalds for iraq. anyway. me and corey are gonna go play some drums. and guitar.
8.4.2003: argh its tuesday. i started doing my write up tho. not too bad. heres something weird. i had two seperate dreams last night. they were both about different girls who used to go to my old school. rokeby. the first was gemma walton and the second was jane milard. its weird cos they live next door to each other. i think i mentioned jane before. cos i kept seeing her around birmingham uni but couldnt remember her last name at all. then i had this dream where we were sitting round a table at a party and she told me her name. what she told me wasnt right but it was near enough to jog my memory. hmmm. went to weatherspoons last night with laura and corey. that was nice. she actually got me some cherry lifesavers from new york too. how cool is that? and she saw sarah jessica parker filming sex and the city. thats kinda bizarre. and vin diesel too. but hey. whatever. i better get on with my work.
7.4.2003: argh its monday already. the seventh. like i have til the 23rd. thats two days away from the 21st. which is three sevens. and if its the seventh now.. then thats two weeks. which makes me feel better. but it doesnt does it. and it definately shouldnt. it took me three weeks to do my term paper last time and that wasnt while i had my project. im watching this morning. after having a nice shower. after being in the gym. after getting up late cos i was finishing my second read of watchmen. i nearly reread it after the old september eleventh shit. i thought it really suited the current climate. that and it put off working some more. although the second time round it did read a bit more about superheros. i guess the first time round i didnt know the ending and the impending nuclear armageddon kinda shadows all the more subtle stuff. its still good. but not as good as it must have been when it came out. times have changed far too much for it to really.. i dunno.. resonated quite so strongly. but yeah. like i was saying. im watching this morning. not with richard and judy. obviously. and after every break they have army people doing video messages from iraq to their families. nearly every single one of them were nearly in tears. it felt kinda poignant. bleugh. yknow its exactly the thing theyll be playing on the news when they got shot or bombed. ek. look at me being all morbid and pesimistic. its just.. without spoiling the plot for anyone who hasnt read it ..when theyre saying 'youll never go through with it' ..and he says something like 'dont be stupid. i wouldnt tell you about it if i thought you could stop it. i did it half an hour ago'. thats just genius. the way the next chapter starts by showing the consequences on the people youve spent the whole book getting to know. its harsh. but not that bad cos you really beleived that it was going to happen anyway. nixon had already done the maths. okay. i know that no one i know has even read watchmen. or anything by alan moore. so talking about it like that is pointless. cos no one knows what im on about at all. pyah. so im still confused about what it was i saw that made me write the previous entry. i do get accused of having a really short attention span and changing subject and stuff all the time. its just i think i normally mangage to trace it back and carry on with what i was saying. eddie izzard is good at that. its true. but nevermind. i got distracted with thinking about digimon and sorting out the evolution on my computer. talking about that. i started doing it with an evolved neural network. simple as possible. and it looks like it might be really good. with hardly any effort. damn it. so im gonna go sort that out.
whatever that all means. i dont think i watched any tv yesterday. which means i missed digimon
again. just as its getting really good.