hint: i think the best idea is to hit ctrl-f and type in some interesting word
18.8.2003: im really chuffed. i just managed to get the kittens eating out of my hand.
theyre still far too timid though. nick didnt believe that they belong to ellen. id quite like
that because it would remove my guilt for feeding them. but then.. they came to our garden before
we fed them and were quite happy here. there was a reason why they left where ever they did.
im really not chuffed because we just lost our best two houses. weve been messing around far too much. its really difficult when only half of the house is around to make decisions. i said we should have taken that first house when we had the chance. i wasnt so keen on the second house. although last night i told christine to sort out cally and then go ahead and get it. the people who saw it after us had it straight away. we didnt have a chance. so i cycled up to the house by the station and got the number. phoned the woman. and it had gone too. this leaves us with one possible house in hove. i guarantee that will be gone within no time. it might have already gone. it wouldnt surprise me. what we have to do is see a house and take it there and then. this is hard because lux and cally arnt around. darren works terrible hours and harry isnt free in the day. there is one house theyre looking into. and the house in kemp town. that one sounds lush i might add. but the admin fees (for guarantor forms etc) are quite expensive. so the initial cost is large. but they are everywhere. the next time someone mentions to me 'i dont think i can afford that much in one go' im gonna pop. its like. you all know that deposits are always a months rent. and you have to pay a months rent. everyone knows this when they agree to get a house. if i sound a bit stressed its because i am. its totally irrational. i mean. weve got a whole twelve days before i have to move out of this house. and thirteen before i have to have finished my thesis. thats plenty of time to get a house and round everyone up. get deposits and guarantors. and write my thesis too. its fine. oh. and ill need to get a job too. in a place were there are no jobs. and dont even think about mention me learning to drive.
thesis word count: 7821. woohoo. at some point soon i may upload what ive done so far on the off chance anyone cares. or rather feels that i would greatly benefit from their constructive criticism of my writing style. hint: i would quite like that. i tend to write glaringly obviously badly constructed sentences but dont notice these no matter how many times i reread them. any biologists could patch me up some more lovely biology garb too. but i doubt theres anyone who reads this who knows their genetics better than me. that sounds arrorgant but hardly anyone reads this (believe it or not. omg). sorry corey haha. and i like my genetics. rna is amazing.
17.8.2003: kittens. the whole year weve been in this house the cats in the neighbourhood have been horrible. now all of a sudden theres seven cats in our garden. this kitten (he might be stray but its hard to tell) turned up. playful little bugger. then this sleek black cat appeared with four tiny weeny kittens. theyre hanging out right now. nick and nicola were tempted to take one to london with them.. but i think itd be a mean. i went out to give them milk this morning and this little girl was in the garden. bless her she looked kinda worried. this is ellen. ive mentioned her before. she one of the girls who make noise all the time out the back. dead sweet though. she came to get her kittens back but scared them all into next doors garden. which you cant get in. so we spent a while tempting them out with milk. she gave me three black berries for helping her. hehe. obviously as soon as shed left all the cats came back. theyre so timid. and far too cute. what to do ey?
awww. theyre coming into the kitchen. the mother and the brave one. theyve got amazing yellow eyes. its just like varjak paw. its just too cute how they the kittens slide across the floor when they try and run off.
we went out for dinner at the 'blind lemon alley' last night for nicolas birthday. it was really good food. although tres expensive. i spent twenty pounds (including tip tho. i like to give good tips). its a really small restaurant but it makes it dead cozy. its hidden right back from the city streets too. soon after wed ordered the food the head chef (or main guy whatever) came up the stairs with this huge cake singing happy birthday. it was a bit embarressing because it was for someone else. haha. but i mentioned to him that it was nicolas birthday too and its only fair that he sings for her. i felt a bit rude saying that. but nevermind. had an amazing feta cheese and mushroom burrito. ey. they have a world famous banofee pie so obviously me nick and nicola had to have one each. and just as wed nearly finished the guy comes back with another banofee pie with candles stuck in the icecream. it was brilliant. so we were more full that i can ever hope to describe (um. does that count? like the berry number). and how come wine is so expensive when you eat out?
obviously we got the bus back. there was this rather roudy bunch of people at the back that i had to sit next to. one of the women (i had to be rude but she didnt half have a mouth on her) made some nasty comment about james's hair. they were all a bit confused to who/what she meant. one of them pointed at me and then started to apolagise profusely. 'no we meant him'. what james? oh. haha. they were being a bit rude but in a drunk funny kinda of way. they were painfull middle aged you have to understand. made some comment about having a rabbit in my hair and i must be bald like stringfellow (shudder). well at least its not as bad as his. pointing to the guy next to me. he took a little offense because he had obviously forgot he had a cocktail umbrella in his hair. even after everyone had mentioned it several times. then he tried to put it in my hair. needless to say he didnt succeed. talked about whered id been a bit. blah blah blah. they were pretty fun for drunk people. they wanted to get my number for their daughter (heidi) who only ever met bad guys. i guess this is kinda flattering but they were still rude about it. in a funny way though. dont get me wrong i was quite enjoying the attention. the woman with the mouth didnt like the fact i was just finishing my masters. said people with degrees go to work in asda and are employee of the month. she also made a comment about students being loaded. nicola got a bit angry with the that. cleary students are not loaded. id love to meet the students she has (or rather i wouldnt). so i started playing up to it. yeah my dad just bought a lotus elise. i live in a four storey house with solid gold taps. i got a first class degree and ive got a 35k a week job lined up. he said i should go into banking. banks is where the money is apparently. i dont think he was trying to be funny. so i started waffling about privatisation and going into that. my wannabe 'hey ive read captive state' talk didnt impress him much. they talked to this french guy for a bit and gob woman decided she liked him more for their (not hers but the other peoples) daughter. but after he said his name was 'lauren' (while getting off the bus) she changed her mind. they didnt want her going out with a guy with a girls name. they didnt believe my name was laurence. and i didnt tell them for quite a long time. i thought it would be too embarressing. at last we got off the bus. told them we lived down that posh street. haha. i really hate to think what the other people on the bus thought of me. i guess it was compared to them. haha. no worries there then. anyway. its half two now and i havnt done any work today. i woke up feeling shitty.
oh yeah. for nicolas cake nick bought two and piled them ontop of one another. haha. it looks well good. and the candle is still going. the one that sings happy birthday. or rather plays the tune. lux woke me at half seven to talk about houses. we really have to make a decision today but i cant get hold of anyone. we need to commit tomorrow. and think the house that appears to be the favourite is our worst option. its far too cramped and its miles away. but whatever. its not a bad house.
corey had a go at me for saying 'omg'. rightly so i might add. although to be fair it was being used with a fair amount of humour. ill try and refrain from using it in future. haha.
16.8.2003: while i was searching through the books in waterstones for the perfect birhtday present for nicola (yo happy birthday) i started reading a book titled something along the lines of 'the truth about 9/11'. something to that affect. i found it quite interesting. not enough to buy it mind. it was far too 'conspiracy theory' for me.. but still i read the whole first chapter. it was about the plane that hit the pentagon. of which there are no videos or photos. be it from surveillance or media. and there were also no remains of the plane. it exploded and then all of it melted. or something. all of it. none of the passengers bodies were found either. theres this and whole load more weird things that dont really seem right. it was a boeing right? haha. its a book id like to read but not own. there was an awful lot of books about iraq too. some of which i was temped to purchase (they were a really cute size yknow) but decided it was far too earlier. nothing worse than a rushed publication. i nearly bought the collection of noam chomskys talks and interviews post september11th but didnt because i was supposed to be buying for nicola.
and no i didnt find her a present. it appears that the book "does not exist".
thesis word count: 6358 (although i suspect 440 of those are from my lovely amino acid mutation table)
that may not seem a vast improvement from before but ive actually deleted a lot of unnecessary stuff. id pasted in mucho talk about using noise in simulation which was kinda irrelevant. so there.
14.8.2003: and i quote johann wolfgang von goethe.
13.8.2003: people are selling weapons to terrorist. shock horror. i cant believe it. its not the american government this time! actually.. to be fair the american government has never sold weapons to terrorists. theyve given them away right? oh and theyre not terrorists anyway. theyre freedom fighters (anti-communist right?). had the weapon (single weapon? omg. how many weapons can you buy with the kind of money america gave to the moujahedeen and khmer rouge?) originated in america i bet it wouldnt have even made the news. but lets jump on it and make it front page. the poor americans. people are gunning for their government left right and centre.
and while im on the subject.. i got bored and looked for some hardcode statistics on the numbers of innocent people (sorry am i supposed to call them civilians?) that died as a direct consequence of september 11th. yep. over half of them were afghanistans. thats to say.. the number of people directly killed by a (previously american funded) terrorist organisation was less than the number of people directly killed by the american bombing of afghanistan in retaliation. and that doesnt count the deaths due to residual damage. loss of homes. lack of medical supplies due to destroyed hospitals. destruction of crops. etc. i guess 'collateral' damage doesnt count though. so theres the justification. dont forget that you are only a terrorist organisation if you dont have an air force.
maybe i shouldnt start talking about iraq. ill save that for later. haha. instead ill talk about the lovely cream tea we had today in rottingdean. it was lovely. we got to saltdean just in time for it to start raining when we got on the beach. boring. i forgot to mention that i was going to be seeing sleater kinney last night. which i did. they were top rocking shit. and donnas new band (donna from elastica). i really enjoyed them. then i talked to janet for a bit but totally hated it. ben got some flyer signed so i thought id try too. but i had nothing. and she had nothing. so i just left. haha. it was kinda pathetic. i was gonna go back with something but couldnt really be bothered. the place was full of old people. last time we saw them (like four years ago) we were the oldest people there. i felt the youngest last night. apart from this girl who appeared to have a plaster over her tb injection. but less said about her the better. because once i get going i will never stop. we kept walking past her on the way to the escape. she kept walking past us on the way to the escape. it was indie night and we all fancied a bit of a boogie. diesel power and kill all hippies. i enjoyed it but not as much as i used to. ive lost the dellusion that i look cool as fuck when i dance. its just not that fun anymore. and there were three girls hanging out together who all looked like a girl i knew back in birmingham. they all looked different. but all like her. i know you dont believe me but i care not.
thesis word count: 4743
12.8.2003: my world has just collapsed. read this. and weep. weep. i am gob smacked. here is me raving about all these too-sexy-for-words music videos and they are all the work of one team. shynola. there is a god. look at that portfolio. pyramid song. go with the flow. eye for an eye. how dare they. omg. im going to faint.
12.8.2003: my morning has been filled with total bafflement. what the hell is wrong with microsoft? my computer has been busy all night and its still crunching away in the morning. i check my mail. thirty seconds after getting online i get this message "Windows must now restart because the Remote Procedure Call (RPC) service terminated unexpectedly". a little timer starts counting down from 0:59. tick tick tick. i panic because im about to lose all of the data its been working on through the night. it can only spits out the stats and important info after the whole process has finished. so i hit the suspend button and everything powers down.
phew. for a minute there i thought i was in trouble.
i calmly start my computer back up again expecting it to go to the desktop with all previous programs still running. but wait.. what is this? it says the computer is in use by koroviev/laurence and only them or the adminstrator can log on. i click 'okay'. something to the effect of "you are not authorised to use this computer". i try to type in my password. "you are not authorised to use this computer". the old tried and tested ctrl-alt-delete. nothing. absolutely nothing will work. oh well. i decide to cut my loses and power down properly. for some magical reason it hybernates instead. i restart. its the same message. i shutdown. i restart. same message. shutdown. restart and press keys at random. same message. not only have i probably lost my data i cant use my computer at all. i think that maybe its just too hot. so i leave it to cool down. nothing. after repeating the above for half an hour it miracously boots up to the deskstop. im saved. i quickly get onto google to see what the hell that was about. trying to remember the error message. something about prc? oh i cant remember. ive showered since. luckily enough my poor memory is necessary as the message pops up again. you have one minute before youre computer fucks up big time. a little confused i let it do it. it restarts. i load up google and start searching. it looks like im being exploited (no shit). i have to download an update patch from the microsoft website. i dont really want to because last time i did it almost destroyed my java capabilities. applets died for weeks. fairies cried etc. the choice is made for me as my computer once more ticks down to shutdown. it feels a little hopeless. id managed to bookmark the site so i was back there straight away. no mention of where on the site i might find the patch. so i search on some numbers. eventually find the page. click download. the countdown starts again. did it download in time? as if. i try again and get it this time. ive now been online long enough to type all of the above. so i might be saved. but while i was backing up my documents folder onto an external drive i finished the chapter on the NSA and their dealings with microsoft and various ISP's. all those conspiracy idiots look less stupid when faced youre with the hard facts. im surprised they havnt assassinated william blum. hes clearly a dirty commie.
11.8.2003: im sitting here trying to do my work while some little kid outside is playing bop-it. over and over and over and.. argh. im going to go mad. did i mention how jaw droppingly amazing the unkle song and video are?
im a bit confused. when i was designing my neural network representations i tried to make them so that several genes in the phenotype could be altered by a single bit change in the phenotype. just some mildly complicated genotype-to-phenotype mapping. but now that i think about it its not really neutrality. it wont work without some form of redundancy (be it implicit or not). but? i dont know.
looked at some houses today. one was quite nice. unfurnished though. possibly a problem for everyone. theres no rush apparently. so lets take it easy.
10.8.2003: ive done nothing but work today. its almost true. almost. but i had a well good day yesterday. it was gay pride but we unfortunately missed all of it. i mean.. how early is the parade anyway? ..oh well. stuart came down to visit. my old flat mate from hunter court. i couldnt really believe its been three years since id seen him. it was well good to catch up though. re-live all those dom memories. lets not go there now though ey? it was a brutally hot day. evil. hung around a bit. then met the guys down the beach and a few of us went for a swim. a proper swim. and playing frisbee in the sea. me and nicola swam out to one of the buoys. ive never done that before. going in the sea is something i definately havnt done enough this summer. salt hair yum. drank some beers. went home. then we had a barbecue up the hill again. walked up on my own again but went the road way cos i didnt have any baps. couldnt get bread rolls from anywhere. was nice getting up there listening to my walkman. like dusk. we even had some music this time because cliff bought his laptop up. and glow sticks. haha. there were shooting stars and people falling asleep. much rolling down the bank. took me ages to make people realise how much fun that is.
nick was a total fuck though and i ended up kicking him ..not hard enough mind. he ran at me so i put my foot out. the guys play like that all time. throwing stuff at each other and jumping each other. and stuff. no one has dared do it to me though. obviously im quite happy about that but it makes you feel so much like youre not in the group. but anyway. its kind of liberating because i dont feel i have to make an effort with nick anymore. i cant remember what was said. he threw a garlic mushroom at me because he wrongly thought i was going to ask cliff (on the phone) to go back and get me baps. he said something with real spite and arrogance in his voice. i probably told him theres no need to be such a shit/fuck. and then some. he told me to go fuck myself. i should have told him id rather fuck him. but le spirit d'scalier rules once more (no thats probably not how you spell it). i really want to tell nicola the real reason for me not wanting to move to london with them but it would be totally counter productive. lets be honest. it would be down right bloody stupid. she made some comment about not knowing my web address. haha. i spent a long time worrying that one of them would find out sometime this year and read all that crap ive written. it irritates me that im 22 and still hate people so much. i hate him more for making me hate him. haha. no dont worry i know what this sounds/reads like. fully aware. just once tho.. just once id like to belittle him back. in a way i do regret biting my tongue all year. but then i know its probably been for the best. i doubt i could pull off being nasty back and remaining the bigger man. i wouldnt mind if i had been the bigger man all year. but like i said.. no one ever really notices how god damn rude he is. makes me so angry inside thinking about it. in the big scheme of things is he that bad? on a good day id say not.
oh by the way. i did this. i dont know why but now you can see the pictures before they come up. does anyone know how to do a link like that but doesnt register as a new page? ..so when you click back it goes back back. like you hadnt clicked it. because if you click them all youve then gotta keep going back. its really bad html. but nevermind.
8.8.2003: its like an addiction. anything but writing my thesis right? that is how its suppose to work isnt it? so on a pretty little theme dedicated to one of my favourite writer/artists who has hardly released any books: not one.. not two.. but three new graphics based on brian wood's amazingly brilliant 'channel zero'.
my bed has become the subject of far too many of my thoughts. none of which i imagine are all that interesting. the main problem is that my room just doesnt cool down. it is always a good number of degrees hotter than anywhere else in the house. im feeling tired and lathargic all day and then wide awake all night. if it wasnt for the intense heat during the first half of the day id be tempted to work during the night and sleep during the day. to be honest i dont think i could cope with brushing aside the summer so carelessly. but anyway. my bedside lamp is on so much that its developed its own miniture ecosystem of moths, aphids and spider. originally i was a bit disturbed by it but ive grown used to it. well what could i do? im not shutting my window thats for sure. ive been feeling a weird attachement/dettachement to my bed. i had so little sleep tuesday night (late night early morning) that when i got up it really felt like i left my soul behind to sleep for me. it only caught up with me when it was summoned to the beach by my falling asleep.
obviously stealing ideas from a certain recent book there. i just finished 'pattern recognition'. i read the second half in about a day. my usual exponential reading rate. like if i just finish the book it will stop distracting me from work (dont worry im not about to start harry potter. oh but im going to have to when i cant sleep). but this book. the one thing that i dont understand is that i had read several on-line reviews (or maybe simply descriptions) that stated it was set in new york. the majority of the book is set in london, with a brief stint in tokyo and moscow. there are bits of new york but only in dream-like flashbacks. btw i love how he dealt with new york. genius. but what is that about? why have people said it is set in new york? did they simply mean its set in post september 11th? like it was about the event. seems mildly narrow minded to say its about new york. i dont know. its just a backdrop that i guess any book set in that time would be unable to ignore. i should go back and re-read what people wrote. after all i may just be making myself look stupid by gross misinterpretation. i also cant believe that he wrote the book without reading 'no logo'. its so very brand conscious to the point of hyper-awareness and paranoi. but then it never really seems to pass judgement. and the last i heard about william gibson (although obviously not true anymore) is that he still used a typewriter and avoided the internet because he knew he would be disappointed. he caught up very quickly. almost a spooky understanding in there. but that what being a good writer is about, right? i had a dream last night i was writing emails to people. in conclusion it may be my favourite of his books. its so much more relevant than neuromancer and the language feels less contrived (is that a fair comment?). on his blog he said that the people who only like 'the difference engine' are always computer scientists or evolutionary theorists. im tempted to email him and tell him that i didnt think it was all that. haha.
7.8.2003: on the subject of my new website graphics. my current favourites are good ol' maxx (it really looks like he is gonna jump out at you) and some weird squiggle. but probably only because i did them today. haha. i also love the london police one and the japanesey one. that kinda reminds me of the punch cards from 'the difference engine'. even though maybe it shouldnt.
7.8.2003: thanks to everyone who made my birthday so much fun. and spread it over two days. yay. as you can read above that will shortly (no no no. my thesis) be three. its not like i had loads of presents but i quite like that. my parents got my a dudey hat. a got a mamba bottle of baileys from my house. dj shadow cd from sarah. a load of illegal cds from sian. oh and like a million books paid for by my parents. haha. cheers to peeps who send me cards. double cheers to tho who made them (aimee won. hers was best). so what did i do the last two days?
hung out on the beach.
no really. thats mostly what ive done. mum came down with sarah and erin and we did brighton. went on the log flume on the pier. good view. ate a lot of well good food. tuesday night on the beach was brilliant. hanging out with my mum and a selection of friends. again.. there were far too many people absent but you have to make do with what you got. at one point i could hear my favourite song off the music's album drifting over from the fortune of war. that was beautiful. and paddling in the dark was amazing. seeing the obscene amount of rubbish on the beach wasnt. but it was a moment none the less. that was two anyway. i even dragged everyone to the gloucester. i enjoyed that. i even got the dj to play 'gaga life'. we were both quite reasonable. haha. even got a taxi back on ben. i woke up stupidly early the next morning and had a huge breakfast in town. more beach. some sorting out of housing. possibly very good. had dinner at terre a terre. amazing food. then i had a barbecue up on the hill. everyone was starving so left without me. it was a really nice walk up the golf course on my own. wearing my new hat. the sea mist was amazing all day and gave brighton a real magical feel. bright flashes of light would send pyramids of light into the sky. got back and nicola had baked me a cake. was brilliant.
its still too hot to sleep. and waking in the morning is worse than waking in glastonbury festival.
im still reading 'pattern recognition'. im loving it even more. what i was going to do was draw a parallel between cayce's reaction to certain brand logos and mine to slogan tshirts. i swear the only difference is that one causes fear and one causes hate. but i cant really be bothered to write about it. haha.
kiddie cocaine. i never realised it was such an epidemic. erin will decieve, sneak and lie to get as much sugar into her mouth as possible. i couldnt believe the amount of junk she ate. i know this is nothing new. kids eat sugar. but still.. when a child wont eat their dinner because they too full but then eat the most sickly dessert imaginable. i worry. i truly worry. its just another addictive white powder.
5.8.2003: someone turned off the power to my computer last night after i had gone to bed. i had eight programs running. im not gonna mention it to anyone because if i find out who did it i might have to kill them. i cant believe i just lost that much time. why are people so dumb? it so obvious my computer was plugged into the same socket the light was plugged into. why cant people just switch their brains own.
4.8.2003: omg. will people stop making music videos so damn good. first it was 'go with the flow'. then came 'seven nation army'. suddenly were flooded with all kinds of 'hot hot heat' and unkle. and now radiohead again. i cant take much more of this.
i never noticed before how much jonathon davies sounds like skeletor. haha.
im feeling pretty shitty. im spending too much time in the house lying to myself that im working. its the being in the house part that is really the problem. im starting to think that staying in brighton isnt such a good idea. there is no way that next year is going to be as good (or easy) as this year. at least if i moved to london it would be different. rather than the same but worse. feelings like de ja vu.
i fixed my bike puncture though. i got so dirty and i cant get all the oil and dirt of my fingers. i forgot how damn hard it is to get a tyre off the wheel. and then the wheel back onto the bike. is there an easy way to do that? whatever. i just wasted an hour updating a 'title graphic' (thats what theyre called now). the one with the little bird in the corner. i liked the big white space but there was so much potential. so i messed around with it. i dont know if its better but i love the little circle bit. judge for yourself by repeatedly hitting refresh for the next ten minutes until it comes up. or perhaps not.
oh. and i think i really like the new placebo song. special needs. although im not sure if i like the lyrics or not. i was too busy listening to that gorgeous sound in the background.
in my head i am amazing. i am everything that is good about the world and condemn everything that is bad. i act pretty cool. there are girls that are properly interested in me. i know how to have a good time. now obviously there is a difference between this and reality. ive been reliably informed that the euclidean distance is about (r2pi)9. at any moment in time the point you feel you lie on the line between your subconcious self-image and reality can be worked out using 1.7a + b. dont worry about the high dimensionality of the equations. remember 'sohcahtoa' works with any number of dimensions. just dont bother trying to differentiate as the result is meaningless. does that help you?
3.8.2003: a quick click on the word 'explanation' above, followed by a quick read, will inform you that its my birthday in a very short number of days. i dont want cards and i dont want presents. i dont even mind people forgetting (as i forgot martins this year and felt fucking awful). but im pointing it out anyway. there is to be a party on the 23rd august. this is at my house in brighton and is also for james and nicola's birthdays. food and drink will be provided. a bed to sleep in can also be sorted. everyone who knows me is invited. this is going to be one hell of a party as its also the last before everyone departs for london. if you dont believe me check out the photos from the previous party.
i wish had some nice things to say. the best it gets is the rush of inspiration i had when realising i could radically alter the structure of my website simply by changing the graphic to the left. hit refresh a few times until you get the transformer picture. nice huh? theres a million places i can take that. fun fun fun.
but yeah. starting from now and going back in time. i went for a bike ride earlier. straight down to the sea and then across past hove. i was just starting to get into it when my bike started making funny noises. what is the last thing you want when youre miles from home with no money or puncture repair kit? you guessed it. so the next hour and a half was wasted walking home. sigh.
everyone went to a rave up in london last night. it was in the gardens of some victorian mansion (or something). it went on until eight this morning. in retrospect i should have gone. it would have been an experience. at least i would have had something interesting to write about. if i think clearly i wasnt at all in the mood so wouldnt have enjoyed it. although this is not necessarily true. maybe i would have felt part of the group again and sorted out that little irritating social problem. instead i simply stayed in and made myself unhappy. although i did gain some joy from trawling through disappointment.com. go log.
someone said something to be me the other day while walking back from the volks. i dont think he meant to be malicious. but in a way that makes it worse. im not sure if i was offended, hurt or pissed off. but if you can do that without forcing the mean words out ..just saying how you think it is (and it being so far removed that they dont even notice its that nasty) then its doubley not nice. maybe what they said needs context for you to understand. or for you to know what theyre like. but maybe not. i dont know. maybe its just my current over-paranoid state (no i dont know where that has come from). but nevermind. "well youre just default".
2.8.2003: let me drop you some links. the new alec empire video for 'new world order' is worth seeing. nice to see they went for a less camp feel this time. some of their old videos are far too camp. i was also happy they didnt go for the obvious digs. i also found hate the mainstream. it rang a few bells. reminded me of something. but what? after trawling through the archives i found this. so it turns out that archu was a man. this means nothing to anyone. as if archu was even a minor internet celebrity (although how could you tell?). archu was this bitch with far too much attitude. she was brilliant. although the site did start to verge extremely on the perverse. probably why i stopped visiting it. but alas archu was a fake all along. sigh. how passe. oh and lets not mention hannah shall we. that was all the fault of love@lycos. id slot a link in but im hoping the site doesnt exist anymore. please. so lastly here is an index of essays by william blum. theyre pretty good.
and while im (or at least was) on the topic of music videos. two more. i saw the video for 'feel good hit of the summer'. all of a sudden the 'go with the flow' video makes sense. its like they gave the same video idea to two different artists. its kinda interesting. and then unkle. im presuming its the new video. it is amazing. 'eye for an eye' right? its in a league with the 'pyramid song' video. there are far too many talented people around.
a fucking huge moth has just flown onto my screen. its still there. sitting ontop of the minimize button. its ugly. and its totally motionless. i think im gonna have to lure him into the hall. oh well. ive always hated moths. theyre so delicate. i cant touch them because im so scared of damaging them. the thought of crushing a moth sends shivers up my spine. its the same with spiders. treading a big bathroom spider bare foot is one of the most horrible things i can think of. but enough of this because i really want to go to bed. this new pet has been on my screen for plenty time already.
2.8.2003: just for a change i thought id add some new graphics for that bar to the left. i messed with the randomness so theyve got high chances of coming up if youre interested in seeing them. i ripped one from the donnie darko website. another is just some population statistics i found lying around. then a re-hash of the old semi-japanese stlye one i only just realised i hated. so there you go.
its saturday and im bored out my mind. where the hell is everyone? i want to do something. i think people are going to a rave tonight but i really dont want to. so im not. aimee sprung a surprise visit on us. which would have been good but we were all out. she stayed a couple of nights. lux stayed also. theres a reasonable change she may be living in brighton after all. will everyone please cross there fingers for me. but anyway. we had another barbecue up on the hill. i had the nicest burger ever. it was pretty fun but the weather wasnt as good as last time. lux rolled me down the hill. that was so scary but it probably wasnt. and then when we got back aimee was here again. haha. i didnt see her much tho. she spent most of saturday sitting in bens room (while he slept of all things). and they all went into town without me. id only popped the shop but nevermind. lets not moan about it ey? there is a phone call i need to make.
1.8.2003: parallel to reading 'rogue state' i just started reading the absolutely lush 'pattern recognition'. william gibson has made me happy for so many reasons. if you strip off the dust cover its grey.. and then the two inside pages are the perfect shade of blue. the chapter titles and page numbers are all faded grey. its the sexiest books hes ever had published. i took a photo to try and explain my ever growing love for blue and grey.
in terms of content ive only got up to chapter five but im really really liking it. i was a bit dubious about it being set in the present but it works better than id ever have imagined. theres been plenty of chatter about this on the web so i wont bother. his use of words are amazing. its like reading good poetry. haha. i find myself reading most sentences twice to make sure ive adequately appreciated them.
and if anyone wants to get paranoid about me having a photo of credit card on my website none of the numbers on it are anything like my actual card number. thats right. im that good. but whatever.
31.7.2003: my nan lives in a big set of flats for eldery people. please note this is not a home. wed never let my nan be put in a home. theyre actually pretty decent flats. they have a manager and stuff and have meetings etc. anyway. my nan was checking through the forms and noticed that the insurance had gone up by 60%. this was obviously queried. youll never guess what the insurance company (lets leave them nameless ey?) came back with. the extra 60% was due to increased terrorist activity. that takes the biscuit. it really does. i that guess one persons excuse to bomb another country is another persons excuse to rip off the elderly. whats wrong with this picture?
31.7.2003: so going back to my diaries. im up to 1995. its quite embarrassing how ultimately obsessed i was with this girl (and pwei lyrics but thats a different story). she seemed to be the only reason that i actually went to school. every happy moment from that year had something to do with her smile or some jumper that she had chosen to wear. a day she didnt appear was a day wasted. im not too convinced of the normality of it all. or how healthy it is. i guess its a direct effect of going to an all boys school (the last two years were a-level and crossed with the girls school). its not like i was dellusional about the situation. i was quite aware of how it was. the inane desperation. i wrote some twisted shit but its not like i lived it. words was all it was. and some of it was kinda sweet too. haha. shed be creept out and flattered in equal measures. and the relative innocence of the whole thing kinda shocked me. i was fourteen. fourteen year olds sniff glue and get each other pregnant. maybe there lies the benefit of single sex schools. haha. but i digress. ill come back to this when ive finished 1996 - in which a girls name is learnt and further unhealthy obsessions develope.
but man.. william blum is angry.
30.7.2003: i want to talk more about my old diaries. its either that or how i feel about getting back to brighton. i was going to add another 'or' as ranting about the book i just finished (fences and windows) and the one i just started (rogue state) but im going to do that now anyway. and considering im reading books like that back to back its probably all im going to talk about for a while (after 'rogue state' ive got 'the age of consent'). maybe youre wondering why im reading so many political books.. i guess im just sick to death of not hearing about it in the news. i hate not feeling imformed. theres so much critical information in books and it seems hardly anyone actually knows whats going on outside their little half hour news segment. and i guess its the 'in' thing to do. everyones read 'no logo' right? ive seen the book on plently of peoples shelves ..placed so that it looks pretty cool. like a badge saying 'yo im with it'. sitting there looking lonely next to harry potter and that other book (what a cop out). well to be honest the more i write about this the less i can actually work out what im trying to say. so to get to the point.. i really enjoyed 'fences and windows'. i think its a far better read than its predecessor. its concise and documents more recent events with a real passion. coming from the front line it seems far more relevant. rage against the machine have been telling us this shit for years ..but anyway. id like to think that it works just fine without 'no logo'. but it does look pretty good next to it on the shelf.
but yes. the difference between the political me now and the political me before (if i can get away with calling myself political) is that all i used to know was the word 'nazi'. and then a year later 'criminal justice'. id like to be able to say "hey i was there fighting that bullshit".. but really i was just there standing around. at the gatherings like. which id like to point out was more than anyone else i knew near my age. i guess i could say something along the lines of what i learnt was that fighting against the system results in failure. but whatever i did learn that wasnt it. unfortunately the criminal justice act doesnt seem to have effected us as much as everyone claimed. no public lessons have been learnt. it was barely the niemoller poem id have hoped for. this doesnt matter though. i think america is teaching us that lesson just fine.
on a lighter note.. for your amusement. well actually for mine. here is laurences 1990. i swear its funnier that the last one.
1.1.90: today i went to a newyear party then i decided to stay the night
2.1.90: today i went swimming at the swimming pool with sofie and jenny
3.1.90: today i went to town and had a cheese omlete
4.1.90: today i went back to school we had pe etc and me and philip and graham went on computer
5.1.90: today we had an other go to build a castle on the computer
6.1.90: today i went trampoling with vince from 8 till 10
7.1.90: today i went to clives mums because clives dad died
8.1.90: today i read some of my new book called matilda
9.1.90: today david said philip had it off with gemma so i said to david he had it off with little red girl
10.1.90: today i got out of chimps and became a bandit
11.1.90: today i went back to chimps again with colin
12.1.90: today i tried to find out why the lock doesnt work
13.1.90: today i stayed at vinces house and i played on the computer and went trampoline
14.1.90: today i made some more dalek with my dad
15.1.90: today i had english with mrs clark
16.1.90: today philip was sacked from chimps
17.1.90: today i was sacked from chimps
18.1.90: today i went to pauls house and played ghost busters on his computer
19.1.90: today i felt sick so i didnt go to school
20.1.90: today i couldnt go trampoling so i watched octopussy and curse of the claw
21.1.90: today i played with my lego and went on my bike
22.1.90: today claire was crying not the painful cry but the noiseless cry the sad one
23.1.90: i dont know whats happening but she was crying again poor thing
24.1.90: to day instead of writing we watch a video for re
25.1.90: today the wind was so strong the silver burch got knocked down
26.1.90: today i became a monkey the way to tree land is by the yellow line
27.1.90: today i went to see how are trees where which we planted
28.1.90: today i found out tree land has a village like the ewoks so all monkeys live there
29.1.90: today i went to tree land and found a pool for the monkeys to swim in
30.1.90: today philip mc teached me how to play chess
31.1.90: today i went to town and got quest and knightmare book and some mirco masters
1.2.90: today i started reading boy by roald dahl
2.2.90: today we where going to see startrek3 but it was on saturday so i could not see it
3.2.90: today there was no trampoling so i saw startrek at the cinama
4.2.90: today i did something on my model dalek the rest of the day was boring
5.2.90: today i got some flurresent pens and drawed a puzzle with them
6.2.90: today i became a chimp and philip was sacked
7.2.90: today there was no drama so we had poetry
8.2.90: today i got the rest of the flurresent pens from school
9.2.90: today i fond out damian and reshell where coming on saturday
10.2.90: today they came for the night and we stayed up until 12.00
11.2.90: today we played hero quest and other things and i cryed when they went
12.2.90: today we went swimming and when i got out i felt weird like id been put in a spin dryer
13.2.90: today someone said claire had a loud mouth for a little girl
14.2.90: today i went to chess and after i watched teenage mutant hero turtles
15.2.90: today claire opened a door for me so i said thank you and she hit me on the head
16.2.90: today claire got awarded her ten meters in asemble
18.2.90: today clive baby sited and we played chess clive won
19.2.90: today i did a picture of a teenage mutant hero turtle
20.2.90: today i did some more pictures and packed to go to nannys and roys
21.2.90: today i went to nanny and roys by train it was 30 mins late
22.2.90: today i watched comic strip since fiction crystal maze and tomorrs world at nanny and roys
23.2.90: today me and nanny went to hanley i got some micro masters and two video
24.2.90: today no trampoling and we went to grandpas then lots of people came to our house
i kept it up for two whole months that year. and
i swear i didnt make any of that up. i mean.. thats exactly the shit i wrote. haha. chimps? tree land?
i have no idea. claire was this girl in the year above me. man she was so cute. i knew her name
cos it was written on her peg where she hung her bag. haha. nine year olds can not be stalkers
dude. but anyway. now im kinda tired.
28.7.2003: its weird reading all old diaries. they really show you how much youve actually grown up. but then reading this 'diary' make me realise how far ive still got. haha. oh well.
28.7.2003: my dads got a new car. its a lotus elise. ffs. it actually looks a lot better than i thought it would. still looks rediculous though. it just doesnt seem right being in our drive. we went up to toysrus and these townie kids came over and started staring at it. thats just weird yknow. its got the most stupid acceleration. scares the hell out of me. but hey.. as long as he doesnt kill himself i dont mind. i quite like the fact that its all functional. and theres no electronic gizmos or air conditioning mod cons crap. that and it sounds sweet. haha.
still.. give me a smart car any day. thats plenty of muscle for me.
i just finished reading my last two diaries that were pre high school. id kinda forgotten quite how besotted i was with this one girl. we had a weird relationship. but i guess all kids do. maybe. actually ive got no way to judge. if only i could go back knowing what i know now. we woulda rocked. haha. i actually think thats a big misconception. id be 21 (oh fuck its my birthday in nine days) and shed be 11. we wouldnt be communicating on the same level at all. itd be impossible. she was totally amazing tho. she really was. the perfect mix of happy times and uber-angst. it is weird looking back with such clarity because you can really see it from a more sensible point of view. i dont know if im more surprised at what i can remember or what id forgot. in one way i wish id written more about everything. i honestly think that id be able to recall so much more then. rather than remembering the odd experience. i guess i enjoyed being at rokeby tho. and until that girl came along i was ultra fickle. but i suppose kids are at that age. there was this girl that i liked when in the fifth year. from what id written she was obviously far cooler than id ever given her credit for. i well should have fancied her more. maybe i did but cant quite remember. but yeah. i dont think there were many girls in my class that i didnt like at least for a bit. is that the same for everyone? me and paul had some funny love triangles tho. which i bet he knew nothing about. i was always a bit embarresed about girls i liked. looking back i have no idea why. i guess its just a consequence thing. its a very human thing if anything.
but anyway. this all got me thinking how different my life would have been had i not gone to an all boys school after middle school. for the sake of conversation lets pretend its some school that doesnt actually exist. i would have spent the next four years having mega (i used to use the word a lot in 1990) crushes on girls who were in my year and who i actually knew. that is so much more fun than liking the older girls who are around. peaches anyone? those weird relationships were blatantly the best thing about middle school but were completely absent after that. i really feel like i missed out. it would have been hell. im not gonna delude myself into thinking it would have been enjoyable the whole time. but like i was writing a while ago.. things like that are a real driving force. but anyway that isnt what would have actually happened. i would have gone to ashlawn school. i would have started with friends from middle school (most people in lawrence sheriff stuck together but i didnt really) and an already fully developed crush. one that was totally volatile and blatantly not going to run to any kinda of conclusion any time soon. i mean.. i remember talking to ian about her a lot in the first year of lawrence sheriff. i saw her a bit or whatever.
so what have we learnt today? the reason laurence writes so much is that he wished he had before. the reason i write this publicly (and i rarely hold back stuff) is because it keeps it vaguely reasonable and concise (dont laugh). whenever ive kept an (can i call it an) e-diary its just descended into waffle and is unreadable. i like the honesty too. anyway ive changed subject. my point is id quite like to see those two girls again some time. i think worst case scenario one became a right bitch (the year five one) and the other a slut (haha thats so mean). i find it hard to imagine us actually getting on. its been ten years. i wonder how recognisable someones personality is after so long ..especially through adolesence. id also like to know what they were actually thinking and meant by all the stuff they did and said. they probably couldnt even remember it ..like it was nothing to them. haha. itd be funny if shed kept a diary too. although i imagine itd kill the pre-teen in me.
final thought i just thought of. im pretty confident that had i not gone to lawrence sheriff then i wouldnt have met the people i now know from the internet. i guess mainly jo and lindsay. thats a pretty weird thought. actually i wish id kept a diary from that time. i didnt because i wrote so much to other people i didnt feel the need (and like i do this out of force of habit now). i have two diaries from high school and a lot of rough books. i am a little scared to read those diaries but i dont think they covered that time anyway. 'so i met this girl online. she types real cute. im gonna ask her to marry me'. hahahaha. i lost all of my emails from those days. i guess thats a shame but its not like id ever have to the time to read them all. and maybe its a good job too. haha.
27.7.2003: heres me in my bedroom. when i say 'my bedroom' which one do i mean? when i say 'home' where do i mean? i guess im in that grey area of life where you have two. well to answer my question (although not what i meant by it) im in rugby. it feels nice to be back. there is a feeling you only get when being at home. maybe its the way everything smells. maybe its just that it feels like going back in time. somewhat. its comfortable tho. i can get mildly sentimental if i think on this too much. but theres a certain freedom in being back home. to me that seems counter intuitive. when youre younger you have all the rules. when you live on your own you dont. but i think its freedom on a different level. all of a sudden my worries are all far away and i can do anything i want. i can lie in my room listening to 'the best of the cure' and reading my books for as many days as i like. week after week there will always be food for me. after a year i wont have to move. in ten years time i still wont need a job. of course none of this true. but when your young it is. and thats what returning home feels like. returning home. i dont care if people say you cant. that film with natalie portman in comes to mind (no not leon you idiot). maybe in five or ten years ill feel differently. maybe my parents wont even live here anymore. thatd break my heart to not be able to visit my house like this. but still.. that matters not. it really doesnt.
my dreams are always different when im at home. its weird how your environment effects you like that. i think its more than just having a different ..um.. day experience?
ive watched donnie darko twice while being back. the dvd doesnt play on my computer. all the extras on the disc are brilliant. ive only managed to see one of the commentaries but it was really good. jake and richard talking and joking all through the film. its suitably insightful. its intense the amount i really hadnt noticed. little details. an awful lot of important stuff is cut from the film too. like a revelation that his pills are placebos. for me this is enough to totally dismiss nicks "fact" that its about scizophrenia. as the writer/director intended for the audience to realise that he actually isnt at all mentally ill. especially as scizophrenia is diagnosable and although not strictly treatable.. you do get prescriptions. not placebos. infact he says on one occasion that for him the film is about divine intervention. and another time just a comic book sci-fi film set in the 80s. fascinating dvd content. theres also a gallery of work by commisioned graffiti artists. obviously i quite liked that. haha. anyway. this is why im currently listening to the cure. haha. and when that finishes ill be listening to something i could never get away with listening to while friends are around. and of course im not gonna tell you what it is. its far too embarressing.
how many times do you phone someone and get their answering machine before you stop trying? ive managed to pluck up the courage to phone a few times now (when ive been free on different days like). i dont really like talking to people on the phone. especially when its potentially a bit awkward. or rather when im really conscious about what im saying and how i should be saying it. my ideal communication is obviously face-to-face one-on-one.. but shortly followed by writting. the more immediate and unrestrictive the better. where with email you can write loads but it takes a day or two to get back. texting is instant (and hence totally paranoia inducing when you dont get replies) but there isnt anywhere near enough flexibility. i guess this suggests that something like video phones would be pretty good. but i suspect id hate it more than just a phone. i cant explain my reasoning behind this due to a current lack of vocabulary. the word is in there but it just wont come out. ive nicely managed to change the subject. why i started it in the first place is beyond me. a plea for help i guess. haha. yes i jest. sort of.
so i was accused of having too many swear words on this page (well kinda of accused). i didnt like this because ive been really cutting down recently. i wouldnt put too much money on it but i havnt swore yet have i? oh well.
one more thing. i promise this will be interesting and funny. ive saved it for last to reward anyone who actually properly reads my news page.. so. the first night i got to rugby i found my old diaries and started reading them. i was shocked. was i ever that much of a dumb ass? anyway. against all reasonable thinking i want to share them with you. haha. what i think is quite funny is how theres an entry for every day for the first month and then i just get bored. this happens every year. haha. so. if the year was 1988 and i had a web page. this is what you would be reading. spelling mistakes and all:
30.12.88: to day i whent to see 'who framed roger rabbit'
31.12.88: to day i built a technic lorry robot and helped my dad decorating the kitchen
1.1.89: today i went to a party with three naughty boys
2.1.89: today i woke up late and today was boring
3.1.89: today i whent to leicester to a theatre to see the snowman
4.1.89: today i whent to the bmx track and i was fun
5.1.89: today i made a maze and had fun
6.1.89: today i did some more of the maze and had fun and whent out
7.1.89: today i made a computer game
8.1.89: today i whent to sofies houes and made things and didnt have fun
9.1.89: today i did lots of computer programmes it was fun
10.1.89: today i made a arm i made it out of robotix
11.1.89: today i went to beavers and i did a picture of cobley
12.1.89: today carl to my house and we had fun
13.1.89: today i got told off but i didn do anything
14.1.89: today we went to coventry to home base
15.1.89: today i played killer gorilla all day my score was 12000
16.1.89: today i went to someones house and had fun
10.4.89: today i left towerlodge and went to rokeby fist school
6.8.89: today paul and mark came to my house because today was my birthday
5.9.89: today it was my first day at rokeby middle school
18.11.89: today it was my dads party
19.11.89: today i found some old coins
27.11.89: today i went to philips disco party and had great fun
28.11.89: today i tided my bedroom
29.11.89: today went to chess club and had fun
30.11.89: today i listened to the radio about battle of hastings
1.12.89: today i found my fantasy quest books
2.12.89: today my dad have a little party
3.12.89: today i played with my robotix and got mums present
4.12.89: today i went swimming with the school
5.12.89: today i went to town and got my dads christmas present
6.12.89: today i watch doctor who
7.12.89: today i got chrismas cards from natalie neil ian gemma paul david ian
8.12.89: today i watched nightmare
9.12.89: today dave came
10.12.89: today my mum had a stall
11.12.89: today i went swimming
12.12.89: today i start writing a new book
13.12.89: today at chess we had a quiz
14.12.89: today i watched a video about scrooch
15.12.89: today i whrapped some presents
16.12.89: today i watched a film
17.12.89: today i wacht the dawn treader in narnia
18.12.89: today i sold my hemen for £15
19.12.89: today i went to a thearta to see alladine
20.12.89: today was my first last day of school i finished nightmare
21.12.89: today i got some new lego
22.12.89: today i watched the last nightmare
23.12.89: today i went to nannys and roys house
24.12.89: today i went to the therta to see babes in the wood
25.12.89: today i got lots of presents hero quest diy dalek transformers etc
26.12.89: today i came home and went to a party
27.12.89: today i went to ashleys party
28.12.89: today i did some cyberman
29.12.89: today melloney came
30.12.89: today i saw mikes band jungle lab
31.12.89: today i went to a disco at the rechense
thats what its like being a single child man.. thats my whole 89.
i got a few of these before they get too teenagery and
are far too embaressing for foreign eyes. ill put them up like a series. haha. but hey. notice that
i made a computer game before i knew how to spell 'went' and 'wrapped'.
i was eight. theres my skillz right there. yeah. i also went to chess club. oh well. im really
fed up with typing the word 'today'. i quite like the next two diaries actually. ill put them up
sometime. i think theyre funnier. that one above is probably only funny if youre me. or know me and
are laughing at me. you bastard. i was eight. haha.
24.7.2003: um. its the 24th. i have nothing to write about. its been three days and diddly squat. my work took a nose dive. then started getting better. than got complicated. i think now its going pretty good again. its true. i have graphs of great power.
we were going to go to devils dyke last night. me and lux. other people wanted to go to and somehow it never happened. nick was like.. well only five people can fit in the car. do we have a democratic vote on who doesnt go? and i was thinking.. well it was me and luxs idea so were going. its not our fault that the car isnt big enough. thats no reason for no one to go or us all to get the bus. what the hell were we supposed to do? its not my problem yknow. it was just a bit crap how i felt we were guilt tripped into not going. like its everyones business. im not explaining my feelings on this very well so ill hurry it along..
so instead we went to the ali cats. this turned out much better in the end. i quite like the whole underground bar thing. and they do good cocktails. i thought id go for something different so ordered the most nasty sounding ones they do (apart from their bloody mary or whatever they call it ..cos thats just nasty). who would have thought kaluha vodka coke and guiness wouldnt taste really minging? not me. so we all got a bit drunk. its the first time in ages everyones actually gone out. but the guys got bored so we went in search of another pub (why oh why?!). ben suggested this nice looking place nearby but nick wouldnt go in cos it was a gay bar (maybe its cos he really hates that song. or because hes a fucking homophobe. i dont know). ended up in this okay place. nick was gonna go home because he was far too drunk but we all decided to go to the funky buddah lounge. so nick and nicola go in first but they wont except her student card (because it is actually out of date).. so poor nicola has to pay four pounds instead of three. this is just too much for nick to handle so he starts being lippy about the women.. decides for everyone else that were not going there and gets subtly pushed out of the way by the huge bouncer. he literaly kept walking into them until they were out. huge he was. anyway. you see a theme appearing? perhaps its something to do with a certain person discovering the wonders of western democracy. twice in one night. we walked home. weirdly enough we all walked home different ways. me and lux went the normal way. nick and nic went via the duke of yorks. who knows which way ben went but he was walking on his own behind us and got back way later than us. he went straight up to bed. whatevers with that i dont know. or care.
i remembered what we did on thursday night at glastonbury (if you recall my post i couldnt remember much). some people from martins workplace (or rather his mums) had brought some of his stuff up from rugby. so we went up the other side of the site looking for them. a big orange tent near the flushing toilets. haha. funnily enough we actually found them. by the time we got back there (they werent there the first time) i was bizarrely drunk. i remember talking about pop will eat itself. or something like that. maybe it was actually neds atomic dustbin. and where that came from i have no idea. the front of the tent zipped down and there was this amazing view of the festival. imagine having a relaxing bath with the only light coming from the candles that are lining the tub and fairy lights rather dangerously submerged in the water. oh.. and the room is black too. it looked like that. i swear.
i might have some stupid photos for you actually. this is becoming a habit i know.
thats terrible childish i know. i was just messing about and all of a sudden (as i made something negative probably) it jumped out and scared the shit out of me. i know i know.. its not that good but it is kinda funny (and yes matt that is you. haha). as for the other one.. i was bored also. theres something i like about it but im not sure what. i shouldnt have uploaded these. but im bored. haha.
theres a huge evil looking red spider in our bathroom. i dont like it.
21.7.2003: looks like time is getting on. yesterday was pretty fun tho. hung out in the park with tom and lux. went down the beach with some of nicolas friends. then went to the ef (english first) music zone party thing at the event. i guess i wasnt really supposed to be there but no one seemed to mind. it was weird being in the event sober.. took me a while to get my bearings. haha. and it being full of eleven to eighteen year olds didnt help. some swedish band (who are supposed to be really big) played a few songs but they were really bad. but it was a laugh. although i think the highlight of my day was trying to explain the whole david kelly fiasco to nick. he was asking nicola what the hell it was all about but they were just getting confused. so i was like.. hey nick its just like 24. david was claiming that a major piece of evidence for going to war wasnt quite right. caused a whole lot of trouble and has now commit suicicde.. then he understood it. theres a deeply rooted problem in there somewhere. lets not go there. really. i hate sounding like a broken record.
so i went out on my bike. i went out past rottingdean. there are some amazing views of the sea out past the marina. its awesome. i found a sand beach. its really small tho. i picked up the best crab claw ive ever seen. but i think i totally over did it on the exercise. i started off by going straight up to the racetrack. i dont think theres a longer or steeper hill in brighton. time to do nothing all day.
i was talking to someone about what women we find attractive and they couldnt believe some of the women i didnt fancy. they werent really satisfied with me just going 'oh sorry i just dont'. so i spent a while trying to explain. which i dont want to do again. so for the record. i think my main point was something like this. when someone spends so much time and care on their appearance its really hard for me to see anything else. i think that is a fair comment. i was reading cosmo (oh shut up.. although i wouldnt mind knowing who buys them in our house) and there is on article on breast implants. this woman (well there were a few and they all said pretty much the same thing but i want to pick on this one) was saying that it was the best thing she ever did. she went on at length. but if thats the defining moment of your life then what are you? youre just a pair of tits. hey whatever rocks your boat.
yumm. stockholm syndrome. how much would i like to see the original footage? what a horrible video. i love it. oh fuck glassjaw are on text drugs rocknroll. taste in men. someone is rocking the shit today. mr davies fingers are pretty dave mckean in the new korn video right there. and i hate sian for making me like finch. damn you. damn yoooooou.
19.7.2003: im getting the most obscene results from my neutral walks. its travelling through the search space for 3000 neutral mutations. the euclidean distance between the initial and final genotype is coming out at stupid things like 6.319E11. theres only 69 weights! this made sense when picking random genotypes as theyre already really bad and cant get much worse. having a weight of a million rather than 300 wont have much difference. but im using genotypes with reasonable fitness. you cant put in extreme weight values. perhaps theres one weight that is totally over saturated and goes through the roof. but that seems a little weird. why would it keep getting bigger and bigger? the probabilities are that it would just keep going up and down a little. theres no phenotype change as the node is always saturated one way or the other. this would be a nightmare if i was using backpropagation. as if its not a nightmare now. i mean.. its neutral mutation but its useless neutral mutation. infact its worse than useless. its terrible. this just increases my dislike for the workings of neural nets. im not really sure what to do. im getting it to spit out the final genotypes to see how its getting such huge differences. ive been through the code over and over. now im just fed up. and am gonna cry.
i slept really badly last night. its not even cos matt and aimee are sleeping in my room. i just felt weird. my stomachs been a bit off. but that plus lack of sleep.. i think i might start hallucinating. im scared to eat because i dont want to feed it. haha. pepto love. (abysmal? oh i dont know).
oh my. how uber-metal is the new muse song? ..listen to that ending. aw man. reminds of the time i saw senser for the first time and they did this new song with the most metal riff ever. man. but i dont like all of the song. i never liked their piano stuff much. that twinkly guitar naffness. but they sure know how to lay down the riffage. although it seems like its just there for novelty value. "hey lets have a song with some ultra-metal-core riffs at the start and end". yeah muse. whatever.
18.7.2003: graduation day! ..not mine.. but everyone elses. aimee and matt came down last night. it was well good to see them. since the house is such a mess (especially the kitchen and living room) i let them sleep in my room. it was just like a slumber party. its a good job it was a cool night i guess. haha. but yeah. i was feeling a bit left out cos everyone was doing their thing.. so i went down there anyway on sat around on the grass outside the pavillion for a bit. it was really nice. after a while i wandered in and grabbed some free wine (like in the movie where the guy/girl crashes the posh party). i always wanted to do that. my alterior motive for going turned out pretty nicely too. haha. against all the odds. so i walked home with a big grin. but i only got to see aimee and that was after she had taken her robes off. but nevermind. ben was looking bizarrely smart this morning. i took a photo but i doubt itll come out good. (oh man skeletor just got the legacy stones).
so since i was in such a good mood i did a big clean up of the kitchen. a very bitter clean up. ive piled all the washing up really badly. stuck all the cutlery in the bowl. would you believe there are no clean cups and only two clean plates. theyre all lined up along the work surface. its a joke. it really is. nicola said that since everyone is working (except me) no one has time to do cleaning anymore. its weird because everyone else who works manages. i takes a minute to clean your stuff after you use it. i took about fifteen wine glasses out of the living room. piss take. i wouldnt have bothered but it points out to everyone how bad the problem is (btw nick just used a clean plate.. now theres only one. what will everyone do when they get it?). its not my problem. ive got my own plates and forks. i did clean all the surfaces. thats cos i was nearly sick when i moved two festering bananas. ack.
so somone said to me "am i really not real?". with a bit of an all knowing chuckle. haha. whatever.
17.7.2003: i had the best bike ride today. up round hollingdean. straight to the beach via the level. along to the marina (i never realised there was so much there). straight up towards the racing track. then kinda round and down what i presume was elm grove. then back up round hollingdean. it was well good except my chain came off halfway up the best hill ..so it felt a bit of a cop out.
ive bought a lot of cds recently and they are all really good. wow. i bet you wanted to know that didnt you?
so about that pink gun.. i hope i dont do this everytime i buy new clothes. i think i might turn my website into a clothes shop. haha. i really like these photos tho. they work for me yknow. i can see a series of them. i just like the style. yes.
16.7.2003: damn it. i just found the pink gun that i so long looking for to do that photo. hmm. maybe i should do so more now. haha. its a really good gun. photoshop it? pish.
16.7.2003: i had four programs running all night and this morning the data files are blank. what does mean? did they crash halfway through? complete but not spit out the data? what? where are my error messages? sheesh. dont worry. ill just do it all over again. ive got a different four running right now. i noticed i had a few bugs (like a votes.length instead of a votes[i].length.. if you program youll know how devastating that can be. especially if it doesnt actually crash). im also getting it to shove me out genotypes with specific fitness for neutral work trials. theres a clever idea right there. everyone else always picks the genotypes at random. thats okay but they will nearly always have low fitness and the fitness landscape is going to be very different at high points. oh man.. sorry i started talking about work. its just irritating because the runs take so long. my other main problem is one of my representations when written out as full array (to plug back in) is larger than 65536 and java only lets you have class files up to that size. wtf do i there? any ideas anyone? anyone? and dont say use c.
so i bought a new hoody. i was fed up of only being able to wear my old one (well its still pretty current) with one pair of trousers. i now have a hoody that is good for all clothing choices. all thanks to garrett at the london police. would you believe theres a shop in town (just by food for friends) thats been selling their shit this whole time? anyway. i took loads of stupid photos with my wearing it but none of them are actually good. its hard taking photos of yourself. actually i liked a few but you cant actually see my lovely apparel. just lovely terrible poses of me and my skateboard (hey at least im using it) ..and a pink plastic ray-gun (yipee). unfortunately the irony is lost on the camera and they look a bit too much like i meant it. ack.
i also ordered a new debit card. now this may sound a bit dumb or weird (or typically laurence says corey) but the new design is to die for. in four working days ill scan it in and show you (dont worry im not that stupid). you all will witness the gorgeousness that is the new barclays debit card. and yeah my old one is totally fine ..apart from that it looks horrible. haha. and that was miles better than the previous. that must have been a real minger.
heres the part where i bitch about people. i thought that since we had changed the contract and the landlord knew everyone who was living here we were all paying the same rent. makes sense? but apparently most of the people in my house are only paying half rent. like.. excuse me?! so four of the seven (yes seven. count them) people living in the house pay half as much rent as me. it wasnt so bad when it was only two (even if one of them acted like he owned the place) but now the house has so many people the mess is atrocious. its barely like people paying half rent only take up half the kitchen and half the living room. or wash and shit half as much. so im gonna stop feeling bad about nick and linda living in the small room.
oh and yeah. the music's album is totally as good as id hoped. corey thinks they sound how me and martin wanted milkill to sound. fucking right on man. 'the people' is really rocking my boat. like psychedlic indie dance. theyre the new stone roses. and far far better. but thats just my opinion (its fact too but whatever).
15.7.2003: my room faces east. this means that its impossible to sleep in my room between the hours of 6am and 9am. obviously im not going to get out of bed before half ten. whats a boy to do? its far too hot in my room. only one of the windows opens. it makes for interesting dreams tho. or surprisingly mundane ones. either way.
but what i really hate (and the reason i loaded up notepad) is this.. when you set up a really long run for you program and get an out or memory error. so you fiddle around and make certain arrays a bit shorter etc. you set it going all night and in the morning you check and the results and there are none. you then realise you forgot to change the value in some little fail safe to stop going array out of bounds (in that obscene case where you need the whole array ..that will always occur when using Math.fuckingRandom()). argh. well at least im using java so it didnt mess up my other runs.
time for a bike ride.
14.7.2003: woah. look what martin found. its a south park create your friends thing. i always wondered how people did those. well now i know. and everyone else. kinda. and for a limited time only (while stocks last etc). aimee and matt. i think theyre rather good.
14.7.2003: heres something weird. i just got a text from a guy called craig who used to be in my class at school.. asking if i know visual basic and if so can he pick my brains for five minutes. um. does this strike anyone else as weird? im still contemplating my reply. i havnt used vb for ages so ill be no use. but how did he get my number? and why me? wouldnt the internet be a far better place to get information? strangeness.
on another note. i decided not to start working until i have a shower. not to have a shower until the men have arrived to fix the boiler. they were supposed to be here an hour and a half ago. im not really behind. these people. we phoned them on thursday and they said they were busy friday and didnt want to come on the weekend. now theyre not even here now. the boiler isnt even that old.
13.7.2003: i cant believe how many books i got yesterday. call i six. the third of which is a magnum photography book of landscapes. sounds a (semi) weird thing for me to buy. but the photos are all amazing. i also got a stencil graffiti book which was a bargain. i also discovered pocko publications. i rather predictably bought maya arulpragasam's (book10). waterstones had both banksy books that i wanted (can you see a theme appearing here?) but they had stuck security tags on the inside of the back page over the words and pictures. way to ruin a book. they didnt have any others in stock so i didnt get them. actually i lie.. pussy co. had 'existencilism' in so i got that one. i feel a bit weird ordering such a tiny book from amazon. ill think on that one. i also got fences and windows. hmmm. and my parents bought me a little (but impossibly stylish) book about barcelona. i guess they approve of the idea then. anyway. before i stop talking about books.. im halfway through 'the well of lost plots' and eventually a plot is emerging. about time too.
so now i have my bike. big fucking hurrah. i also got my letter from aimee which was so aimee it felt like she was in the room with me. good job she wasnt because i was butt naked but thats another story (one about my room getting the sun in the morning). i have my suit. i also have the perfect travel bag slash rucksack. neato burrito. and a copy of kid a. and all these books. my floor is lined with empty envelopes and junk mail that has been building up in rugby. i also got a pocket frisbee which is just so much fun. its all fabric and fold up and is dead tiny.
what did i do saturday? well we went to this weird american diner place for breakfast (well it was at 2pm but whatever) called woodies (after the car right?). if aimee reads this at somepoint then its opposite the garage we got minimilks from when we flyering on the first day. yeah. weird place. had lovely seats tho. was ultimately a bit fascistic i think. all the waitresses were identical and perfectly aryan. scary. is that what american diners are really like? my entire knowledge of american restaurants comes from this livejournal (which a quick visit too shows absolutely now talk of waitressing damn it. although she just went to the beach for the first time. thats kinda cool). i cant even remember how i found that journal or why i kept reading it (well i guess it was another interesting view on america but whatever). my previous 'girl' went friends only but she was getting boring anyway. nothing worse than cryptic journals. i have weird views of journals. ill have to talk about them sometime. but i digress..
so then after much stressed walking around town with parents (and afor mentioned mass purchase of books) we ate at the bombay (not bombay aloo) and met up with corey and waylan. then briskly went up to devils dyke to watch the sunset. this was top do-daa. drinking gin (bombay saphire no less) and tonic. sitting on the hill. oooh its almost mystical. it was still plently light at half ten. everyone else had left. and what is weird is that there were loads of fireworks going off all of the place. there were at least three seperate sets of them. is that strange? it is surely cos they were so far apart. i thought it was interesting because ive never been 'above' fireworks when theyve gone off. i was quite surprised how heigh they dont go. the sky was a perfect rainbow. i bet you never got that pre industrial revoltion. plus talking about sitting on the side of the world (much rotating of my head horizontal. no vertical. no. um. whatever). i also remembered that when me and ben got to glastonbury and were walking past the dance tent this huge plane (like a b52 or something) flew over us so low it would have almost scraped the powerlines (had there been some). it was crazy. scared the hell out of me. i was just a bit gutted that id forgot to talk about it here. haha. anyway. when i eventually got home everyone went to bed. oh well.
on sunday we went to the kite festival up by the uni. it was fun for a bit but ultimately quite boring. took loads of photos tho. then we went up to the horse race track and graham got our kite out. is it weird that im 22 and had never flown a kite before? this is a proper two line kite (or whatever theyre called) and it was so much fun. at first i was surprised at how hard it was. then after crashing twice i was surprised at how easy it was. i was terrified to start with. and i think within reason. i was so surprised at the amount of power it was pulling. the first time we got it up one of the lines came off and it came spiralling out of control at me. it looked too cool.. i was gutted i didnt have it on film (i was a little late in switching my camera on) but its probably a good job as i wouldnt have been able to jump out of the way quite so well while filming. who would have thought kite flying was so cool? not me anyway. wait.i wanna stick some photos in. which means ive gotta get them all off my camera.
i think theyre pretty fun. after that we drove out to some huge deserted factory. this massive building slap bang in the middle of nowhere. it looked amazing. i took about ninety photos in ten minutes. it looked like a cross between jurassic park and palestine. i really wanted to go in but it would have been far too much effort.
that was pretty much my weekend. its now (actually) 4:20. sheesh. on the wrong day as well. i started
this entry yesterday but never got round to finishing it til today. so um. go figure.
12.7.2003: coming at you straight from the lounge. fed up having my computer kick whir and wheeze all night. that and working down here is mildly refreshing. talking about refreshing. i just used our shower and now ill probably never be able to have kids. its destroyed my testicles. i woke up early this morning. people were talking rather urgently downstairs. i looked out the window and there was an ambulance parked outsite our house. outside our front door is this guy all curled up. blood everywhere. hed taken a neurofen overdose and then tripped over the little divide wall between our house and the next. the medic said theyd actually picked up a few days ago when hed slit his wrist. i hope they cleaned all the blood up properly. hey theyre proffesionals. so. we nearly woke up with a body on our doorstep.
but yeah. corey is here. hes currently getting me cereal. how nice is that? he came down last night but i guess hes gonna hang with waylan most weekend. we went down the beach last night. nicola was down there with a few of her work buddies (what a horrible phrase). the moon looked amazing. we sat around drinking and talking shit about shit. hmmmm. bonsai kittens and baby tatoos. then we went to see ben in grubbs. he was doing pretty good except he tried to short change me. haha. bless him.. he worked sixteen hours yesterday. madness. we waited up for him but just couldnt last out. went to bed at about quarter to four.
so what was the bubbles in the light stick about? oh i dont know. that was a brilliant night tho. we had a barbecue up on the gold course. me ben nick nic nick cliff christine and juan. the view up there is just the best. sitting around drinking wine and eating burgers. and lots of fruit. cliff had bought glow sticks and everyone was throwing them around in the dark. had a lot of well good conversations tho.
im bored of writing now.
11.7.2003: the bubbles in the light stick keep moving. um. haha.
10.7.2003: well im glad i went to see jasper fforde. ive seen quite a few of my favourite authors now. he was definately fun. he spoke for a long time. the whole evening was about two hours long. i suppose that includes the signing but there only about thirty people there (so youd think itd be quick huh? damn collectors). but he talked about the other books hed written and where the basic ideas came from for the new book. he mentioned a lot of stuff about things i hadnt noticed. like peter jane with pat the dog (id never noticed that pun either). and none of his books have a chapter13. yeah it gets a little geeky i know. he did explain the chaper12 think. its nothing superstious or anything. he did a lot of talking about 'book archeology' which was kinda interesting. (oh how to explain?) like investigating how books were written ..built up with different plots and ideas ..rewritten bits and such. how certain chapters remain unchanged and stuff like sentences remaining from old ideas. i always reread my page and find words that hadnt been altered properly when i changed the sentence around. really bugs me that does. btu anyway.. he rewrote the whole first book after visiting the natural history museum in oxford and talking to the woman about dodos. initially thursday had a pet cat called elmo (right?). i dont know if its cute or tacky but apparently the cat turns up in the well of lost plots. he also talked a lot about the process of getting an editor and being published. i guess youd get pretty bored of this if everyone talked about it but i quite liked it. i also found out that the website is done solely by him and his girlfriend (who has a friend called laurence with a 'u' too. they got called laurie at school so there was no 'w' confusion. this got onto talking about my middle name and hippy parents. and thats why he was called jasper apparently. hippy parents in the sixties. not sure about the link there but ill trust him. haha). their website is huge and i really like the fact that it has nothing to do with agents or middle men or anything. which means they can do whatever they want on it without anyone messing it up. go me:
anyway. the whole evening reminded me how much i hate collectors. they really are so sad. ive
been to a few signings now (the most extreme being
neil gaiman) and im always like.. hey ill buy the
book there and get that signed. itd be a little rude to take anything else that i think might look good
signed. so in the queue is geek after geek (and i hate to say it but they are always dog ugly)
with their entire collection of books (or i guess whatever) written by the author. argh. so they make
them sign ten/twenty books in one go. i just really dont see the point. i do kinda wish id taken my
ultra-lush edition of stardust to be signed by neil (in silver pen on the front yumm) but no way
all of my books. wouldnt it look a bit boring? its a weird mentality.
jasper gives away these postcards at signings that are actually well good (theres pictures on the site). the worst of the people there
were complaining because its impossible to get all of them. like grow up dude. i felt quite embaressed
for him really. surrounded by these losers (one of which was literally drooling and hanging around
by the signing table for ages saying 'funny' things and making terrible in-jokes). youll notice i got
a 'goliath' stamp on my book. he only does those on dedications. you wouldnt believe how much this
infuriated the collectors with their huge pile of books he wouldnt stamp. haha. suckers.
ive been listening to 'pussy whipped' a lot. that album is so good. kathleen hannah is brilliant. bikini kill were definately better than le tigre. maybe. oh i dunno. i mean. she is so angry. haha. 'hamster baby' could kick the ass off any of those angry indie bands that are always hanging around the backside of mtv (i really liked that sentence). and sugar could have been on the first sleater kinney record. rah. haha.
update on the shower situation. were not gonna have any hot water until at least monday. im okay cos emma let me shower round her house which was really nice of her. but hey. cold showers for everyone else. haha.
buried under all that crap im gonna have another stab at the media (oh and ill probably throw america in too) main headline on all news channels? group of people getting killed on some motorway. okay i might be wrong but this isnt news. its just something that happened. it effects like.. a small bunch of people and thats about it. i dont see why i should care about it. there are far more important things going on in the world. and yes theyre still talking arse about that dossier. if they cant even find out whose fault it was then how the hell can anyone trust them to find out anything? its just testimony to how bad they are. not that i care about it or anything. its just words. but it just shows a point. and heres what really bugged me. how many months has taken for people to start moaning about jessica lynch? three or something? i didnt give much of a shit the first time round. like naomi klein pointed out.. does anyone remember rachel corrie? probably not. where are all the real heroes? who knows.. its not like anyone seems to care anyway.