news [archive 11]
hint: i think the best idea is to hit ctrl-f and type in some interesting word

6.5.2004: my basil plant isn't actually dead, despite the fact that i rarely water it anymore. it has actually flowered. not to warrant sounding too dumb, but i'd never thought of my basil plant ever flowering. especially since half of the remaining leaves are necro-white. perhaps it is time for a new plant to make a fresh start with. plus this one is now totally useless for basil. and i'm fed up of crunching dead leaves into the carpet (this does not actually happen).

i was going to write about michael moore yesterday but couldn't be bothered. and then this morning he was actually on the main news, so i guess i don't need to anymore. it does mean something though. when his book 'stupid white men' was refused release it took an army of librarians to get it noticed. this time around the media are all over it. i see movements but i'm not convinced they mean well. y'know? like kfc bringing out grillz ("capitalising on the current trend for healthy eating"). mc donalds ideal for vegetarians. coke selling water. i guess michael moore better be careful how he deals with it.

menacing vibrations.

5.5.2004: yesterday i was talking to daryl about 'the battle of algiers' film. he also saw it on saturday when it was accompanied by asian dub foundation (not also to me). i made some joke about how it would be 'funny' if they made a holywood-ised zapatista movie. oh well.

i'm fighting a cold. so back off.

i won't get ill.

last night me and laks were really desperate to do something so we walked over to the sanctuary cafe for coffee and a cake (in the rain). that place is so lovely, it is nice as pie. i'd never been there after dark before and i think for a late night coffee hang out you can't really beat it. dub & vege food. i imagine it's quite different when they actually have stuff on. but yes.

4.5.2004: sorry about that over-extensive post yesterday. perhaps i should keep a seperate diary huh? i'll keep it short today. i do hate people who just link to stupid flash games though. like this dumb tron game and battle pong. (also a game for aimee panda golf!)

3.5.2004: it's been a long weekend (literally). so not sure where to start and what to cover. hmmmm. how about i try and do this sequentially and avoiding anything dull or beginning with the letter 'c'? the funniest thing that happened all weekend was laks whistling a slayer riff in the kitchen. well it was funny to me. go laks. if you're gonna keep reading i'm thinking it's going to be downhill from now on. i've done a lot and want to 'record' it, but suspect its all a bit trivial. okay.

so what actually happened on friday? i'm guessing a few of us went down to a little art gallery just off western road to see ..someone i can't remember. we couldn't get in to see her play but i quite enjoyed standing outside. it was all very impressive and everything (that sounds horribly and incorrectly sarcastic). then on to the 'earth and stars' (pub) where everyone wearing jeans sat in a line in order of shade. of course, it was a coincindence but i've noticed this kind of thing happening a lot recently. on the beach last weekend we all sat in colour groups. people wearing green on one side, red tops on the other and over there the black/grey people.

my writing is going funny. like.. i was trying to write in jess's blog and now i can't get out of that style. or something. damn it.

i had a good driving lesson on saturday. after that me and the grilly went into town and spent an embarrassingly long time in dave's comics. this has nothing to do with the girl who works there, i swear. grilly has an amazing ability to spend ages looking at comics. this is a good thing, btw. and something about a girl who works there. oh whatever. i also managed to pick up some more free contacts from specsavers (they are like, so dumb). i'm still vaguely confused about them though, as they come in boxes of five lenses. ermm right.

so we hung out in queens park for a bit. there was a big load of people all up there for different reasons. some dudes birthday. may day. whatever. it was sunny and beautiful. and something i swore i'd remember to write and have forgotten. i blame the sun. then sometime later (after vib ribbon) me and grilly headed up to a house party at the top of elm grove, picking up rachael on the way. it was really fun but can't think of what to say about it that will keep you interested. it was just very different to any house party i've been to for a long time. different type of people i imagine. we stole a lot of random alcohol. and i spoke to a guy wearing a suicide girls tshirt. i caught him out by asking who his favourite girl was, turns out he never really looked at the site. "don't they do the best interviews though?". he didn't know. has it always been this easy to buy into a sub-culture? i randomly threw an egg (more like i passed it on to someone less responsible than me). wrote "koroviev" on the wall. generally forgot all of last weeks problems. hurray.

sunday also rocked. i probably played a lot of final fantasy (something i'm trying really hard not to do right now) and generally 'fucked the dog'. ben (down in brighton to see his sister) joined us and we had the first barbeque of the year. jess and grilly came round for it too. oh you would not believe who jess invited over - to my fucking house (italics). she gets a gold star for that one. i was just too impressed. of course, she didn't actually come over. it seems that all this effort we put in is only to achieve a longer list of events that could have been infinitely better if it wasn't for just one tiny difference (run on sentence). just one person, which was previously me, making a slightly alternative choice and everything would be on its head. perhaps one of these days (like i said it's too late now anyway). it would have been rediculous though. wouldn't it? i can't help but laugh/cry about it.

the barbeque turned into a trip to the pub. 'the new vic' just up from roundhill crescent. i can't believe i had never been there before. it was so lovely. we sat in the conservatory playing jenga (i will whoop your ass) with the slide door open. beautiful lights and comfy sofa. some band was playing a bizarre mixture of songs in the other room. the woman had a well good voice though. i particularly remember 'killing me softly'. super chilled. chatting to ben about the amazingness of coco pops (casablanca? cheese? christmas?). something about my words were just making me smile. the fact that it could have been anyone. possibly the most optimistic i felt in a long time.

and that brings us nicely onto today. the bank holiday monday. i was going to spend it on campus (i guess that's hard to understand) but everywhere was shut and it was raining. me and grilly got as far as the train station before we decided to head back to his house. ate some mash potato. played some guitar. some piano (like this - stretch fingers). ran out into the garden everytime the sun appeared. it was nice but i have this urge to do something. nevermind, because i feel okay and that is ok. wicked.

i can't believe it has only been a week since the house party though. i've been so up and down i'm not sure what i think of anything. how many times does a girl need inviting out before she leaves her house? apparently its more than five (over two weeks). sounds excessive doesn't it? i think it would be if it had been by the same person or to the same thing. okay, i'm about to start covering the same ground i've covered a million times here. it's not necessary at all. and i can't believe you've actually read all of that. i guess i need to just get it out of me. i'm not satisfied at all with what i've written but there isn't much i can do about that. i'm not even sure why i'm not satisfied. i guess i should stop trying. oh wow they are playing 'street spirit' from glastonbury'97 on the radio. so how about a pseudo-random blondie lyric? nah.

come on, rip her to shreds.

30.4.2004: friday poop quiz! (probably soon to be known as the 'google hunt' quiz)

1. what is my favourite colour? (no really)
2. why is the white house white?
3. what should our band have been called? (a timid, meek, or unassertive person)
4. which taxi driver now owns mr.happy?
5. what kind of weirdo would call their baby 'grace bee fisher' anyway?
6. who is 'ada the schnauzer' better known as?
7. what is the connection between my vitriol and glassjaw?
8. what would my parents think if i ran off to be a zapatista?
9. what song features the mad capsule markets, wes borland and the crystal method? (and can i have a copy fucking please)
10. who actually won last weeks quiz?

there's an easy six points in there i promise. bonus point to anyone who text's me the answers. a cheap ploy to make me feel more popular i'm sure. it's also so that i can award the beautiful people who know me well enough to have my number. i'm favouritist like that. plus the extra challenge to fit them into a tiny number of characters. everyone who reads this knows my number anyway right? gee. be cheap and lazy and just email me at emoai (hotmail).

i guess it would take a stupid band like this to release their album as ringtones. monkeys (or pandas, rather). "is this the face of future digital music?". ou est la digital hardcore? (gotta be better than 'le hardcore' right?) ..that should have been in german sorry.

much love to all. enjoy your lonely weekend. or mine at least.

29.4.2004: dude, you shouldn't have even looked at her last night. this isn't a girl you want burnt into your retina. this isn't a girl you want to learn your lesson from. she's far too wonderful for that. although by now it is truly far too late. but then, no one ever listens to my advice.

i keep waking up on the verge of getting cramp in my calves. i'm beginning to think that it's the time of year that causes it, rather than me suddenly starting to work really hard (currently quite a painful subject, as anyone who i've inflicted myself upon recently will know). so a humongous thanks to aimee for educating me on how to avoid a sudden cramp attack (this was last year). i guess it isn't really much, but no one else told me and it means i can walk this week.

currently trying really hard to get hold of the new mad capsules album. kazaa is choking on me and wont let me login. figures. 'cistm konfliqt' where are you?

also. something about preying on a little bird. let alone myself.

28.4.2004: so i just cycled to work. i thought i might be late so i really caned it. now my vision is vibrating (argh stop it). i was feeling nervous (anxious or whatever). began to wish i had washed my hair. thinking up diabolical plans. everything could be so perfect if only this or that. i should have washed my hair. i realised if i cycled i could just wash my hair when i got home. the plan blossoms (blooms or whatever). then i wonder if 'everything' is such a smart idea. the more steps you climb the further you get dismounted right? i'm just worried on what side my judgement lies. i should just quit it because there is nowhere for this to go. really. but i can't even begin to explain how awful it makes me feel to give up. just wishing i'd acted properly sooner. i can't make up for that but i can't not try. where would i be without it?

the only thing i'm concerned about is becoming really irritating. there is nothing worse than getting carried away and pissing off your friends (who are far less 'desperate' than you. poor choice of word).

don't forget that it's departure lounge at the prince albert tonight. bring a friend.

the light is still vibrating. or is it my teeth? i don't know.

last night we went to see killbill2 (milkill!). i seem to be against the general consensus that the first one was much better. you wont
remember but i wasn't that impressed with the first film. oh, so hollow. the second 'volume' actually felt like a film. "with a plot and everything". i possibly really liked it. not in a way that i'd want to own it or see it again anytime soon. tarantino has mastered his art though. ecclectic styles and mucho pulpness. the only thing i didn't like about the film was it not featuring that chemical brothers song ("just get yourself high). what a lame critique. honestly.

27.4.2004: the most beautiful thing happened. i was sitting in my garden last evening (that sounds awkward, i'll never be a writer) eating my exquisite dinner (yeah i did that on purpose too) and i noticed something fluttering around in the grass poking up between the cracks in the concrete. it was this amazing female white butterfly frantically jumping about, she just couldn't get anywhere. i watched her hop from grass to concrete for a while and tried to decide what to do, which i couldn't. so i bent down and put my hands out. it was kind of odd, she promptly jumped into my hands and stayed there. so i stood up and carried her over to the garden cringing at the thought of every corny film moment with doves and fla la la. "well go on then". it was awesome. she just took off. for a moment i thought she wasn't going to make it and fall into our garden. she was wavering a little but she was off.. over next door's cat and off into the sunset (it was that cheesey i swear).

reminds me of that story with the guy who helps the butterfly out of its chrysalis but then it turns out really plain and boring. i never did like that stupid ignorant story anyway. i know what they're trying to say with the dumb moral and everything, but as if there isn't a beauty there. shit whatever.

we had a posse for the music quiz last night. grilly even invited the peeps from down his road. they didn't come but y'know, maybe next time? i'm not sure how comfortable i would be taking them to the hobgoblin (the skank hole that it is) but i'm sure that is the least of my worries, really. i also feel vaguely guilty about the grilling i give grilly (you won't believe me but that was unintended) about such things. the quiz was muy fun though. we were leading by miles after the first three rounds, which confuses me to how we managed to lose so drastically. it had nothing to do with the vanilla ice lyric "like a poisonous mushroom" (interlude while i scare you with this search. 'your orgasms are like a poisonous mushroom'. i hate livejournal). then on the way back we had a pikey attack. this i can't really be bothered to talk about. i found it hard not to laugh at them. it didn't end too badly, except grilly was hit by a flying cone. i just wish there was a reasonable way to deal with the fucks you meet on the street after closing time. turns out grilly wrote about it.

i'm okay to. i guess. possibly thanks to the events of last night (no not being hit on by some chavs).

i want to sleep now.

26.4.2004: i think jess might have been right when she said i don't pour my heart into my site. at least not anymore. the fact that i'm writing about this rather than what actually happened this weekend is more proof than you'll ever need. why did this happen? i think it is either that i'm trying to grow up a little bit (angst is all well and good but i don't need to shout about it do i?) or that i now know people are actually reading this. that is only problematic due to the peeps between those i barely know and those who i'll happily tell anything to (who are actually the majority).

i guess it's both.

them, or the fact that i just can't even bear to try and transpose my weekend into anything other than its collection of random and terrible feelings. i even decided to quit my job on sunday morning (don't worry i changed my mind) and join a circus (i made that bit up). and you thought i had it sorted didn't you? now i just feel like i have wasted the last seven months. that's a real crushing feeling. kinda verging on desperate hopelessness. all that time and i was doing it all wrong. all the things i should have done and now it is far beyond too late (at least.. most likely). and i feel such a shit because in the last seven months i have actually met loads of uber nice people. i have been having fun (although i suspect the reason i wasn't miserable was that glimmer of hope and possibility. something that i've now lost without actually being able to get over it). and that i now see that time with such an array of negative emotions just goes to show how narrow my field of view is. is it my fault though? i don't think that it is something i can help. really.

perhaps it's nothing to do with the past and more with the future. i guess i see it going no where. which is obviously going to happen when you have all your eggs in one basket. and how easily that basket was broken..

hey, there is a essay (shit more like a book) that i could write right now. but it sure isn't going to be help me. i do feel an urge to explain it all and make at least one person understand it in its entirety. but whatever. i might talk about my weekend properly later, but for the moment i just want to forget it. drop me an email though (ever notice how emoai is really like email?).

23.4.2004: friday poop quiz! can we have some proper attempts at this one please?

1. what's the name of the 'cat with no bones' that appeared around the same time as the little red-haired girl?
2. how many pieces was modulok?
3. you can't trust a man with a what at all?
4. who is the angry cosmopolitan bloodloss man who eats french girls?
5. même qu'a des coeurs?
6. i think i like her, cos her name was?
7. gatamon + hawkmon = ?
8. what colour is papa smurfs helmet? (sorry)
9. what's your top score?
10. what happened to the tenth question?

you know my address (emoai) so use it pip-squeak. make an effort c'mon. if not just for the nice day. isn't it lovely? isn't it wonderful? etc. a good start to the weekend. a weekend of house parties. and birthdays. (sings some madonna).

hey! it's jess! although actually i think it's grilly. what the hell is jess's last name anyway? i guess i will never know. i would like to point out that i have talked about jess on my website, previously reffered to as "the girl who made me a cheese and peanut butter grubbs". am i thorough or what?

hung out with the peeps last night. i'm not sure why jess found it so obscene that i thought fucking a knife wound would be more romantic than fucking a gun shot wound. it was her question, after all.

but yeah, trying to keep it short. so anyone got any inspirational words?

22.4.2004: nothing to say today. i guess i'm just feeling weird. it's fair enough. you can insert your own 'not too soon' quote i'm sure. i wonder how all this will end (imagines ominous music, you will have to work with me on this one).

go read grilly's blog instead. he writes funny things about me. need to have a word about "that girl" (what is it with the teen crisis anyway?). but yeah, all that me winning gaydar yahtzee (i am so going to be ranking for that) says is that my gay friends are better than his. i also suggest a blog fight. eat my blog. bitch.

actually, i checked and i'm already ranking for gaydar yahtzee. not as weird as ranking for lesbian adult toy though, honestly.

more seriously though, where are the iraqis?

21.4.2004: oh, what to say? yesterday was a total riot. i made you all proud. my story will have to be told on individual bases, however. i'm an ass like that. i want to babble on about it so much but that goes against my new policy of trying to be a bit more reserved. less erratic. lets not get myself in trouble. etc. i'll talk about terrorism instead..

so yeah, a group of us (moi, grilly, matt, jess, rachael and boy robin - in that order) went to the joogleberry. some underground jazz (question mark) bar. right? woman with guitar etc. i wasn't even there though y'know, my mind hadn't caught up yet. like i was totally immune to any anything. or something. um. whatever. damn i'm so poetic sometimes it hurts.

i made some joke about a grebo playing guitar (or something) but grilly misheard it as "gredo". this was hilarious, i assure you. this isn't for your benefit. it's something i want to remember.

there are many other things worthy of note. but i so want to write about this thing that i'm going to have to stop before i piss myself off. self censorship is a slipperly slope non?

lots of italics today. hurray.

ouch. you have the most amazing micro expressions.. swoon.

20.4.2004: have you seen noddy recently? they have done it all up in 3d graphics. it looks bloody awful. gone are the days of quality such as astro farm.

something else that knarcked me. kill bill is out on dvd to buy. and it's blatantly going to be released as a double when the second one comes out. so why don't they release the double box set now with all the extra gubbins etc, only leaving out the second film. then when it eventually is released they can stick it in an uber cheap slipcase or, even better, post it to you. i wont be buying it anyway, so this is more of a general issue for me i think. they could at least announce the dvd releasing intentions. i ended up buying amelie twice because they suddenly decided a special edition would go down a treat (with their bank account) sian was quite happy though, as she got my old copy.

"At least one in every eight pounds spent with a UK retailer now ends up in Sir Terry's coffers". the only thing you'll ever catch me buying from tescos is a 16p bread roll, and then only when i'm desperate.

19.4.2004: so i kept meaning to update all through the weekend but final fantasy and sleep got in the way.

had a mildly weird experience on friday night. grilly came round and we decided to pass the time drunkly playing
gaydar yahtzee (i won). after playing for a while i noticed that it was living on, logs website. in passing i had already mentioned something vague about a friend of mine who'd died early in the evening (er.. i had mentioned it earlier. not he had died earlier). so i was like "wow crazy. you know i mentioned someone i knew died last year?". pause. and then like a bullet into the heart of logical conversation discourse - straight out of grilly's mouth, "mark hearn?". must have been weirder for him though, i think the probabilities were in my favour, right? he had been a regular reader of disappointment for a while. so it makes sense. not at the time though, obviously.

other things i did at the weekend? i bought the last-but-one melt banana album. hung out for an embarrassingly long time in dave's comics (oh i am such a sucker). ate a bagel, a pizza and a curry. didn't see the 'yeah yeah yeahs' and the locusts. that is about all.

the sea looks pretty and fantastic today. the colour of your eyes. and there are giant sea elephants grazing out just beyond the shore line. all the way out to as far as the eye can see. huge flat beasts wider than the pier is long. lazing around just below the surface of the water. filter feeding on the vista from behind your eyes. it makes sense to me at least.

so i was watching the news. footage of palestine children throwing rocks at israeli soldiers. and then they just open fire and shoot this kid in the back or whatever. it was fucking crazy.

shit man. this flash shit is coolest shit ever. who cares if you don't get it, it's cool. shit ya?

16.4.2004: friday pop quiz:

1. what is the average number of buttons in a standard bag of cadburys buttons?
2. who said "music is bigger than words and wider than pictures"?
3. what film did 'manbean' fanzine vote number one for having the best suicide?
4. who played ebeneezer good in the terrible shamen video?
5. how many children die, on average, every year from roller coaster accidents? (sorry)
6. to the nearest 1/256, what colour is pilchard?
7. what is the best vege bacon money can buy?
8. daddy or chips?
9. which autonomous municipality are you?
10. how many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

the most correct answer sent to me wins a very special (and rather abstract) prize. there is no deadline (figure that one out).

15.4.2004: i would like to hope that if someone invaded my country i wouldn't resort to kidnapping and killing innocent people. but then who knows what i'd be driven to when pushed by someone that powerful and relentless. desperation can do that to a person. i guess.

so today we had a new postman, or postwoman rather, which is great because unlike the old guy she doesn't have a break halfway up roundhill crescent. now i get my mail before i leave the house. this was especially cool today because (drum roll please) i got my mogwai music box. hurray. she was kinda cute too.

13.4.2004: the backwards link look-up on the new yahoo (i.e. "") is really good. today i found some guy who had used a photo off my site (clever how yahoo picked that up as a link) and someone else who was asking if someone could do something or other with a marzipan pumpkin photo (this was in some journal type blog thing - whatever). quite flattered by this. it is nice to know people are viewing and liking the crap on my site. maybe some of you people should let me know yah? ("yah" since i've been playing ffx) would make me smile. y'know.

and how about giving me proper links on your sites too? grin. work with me here.

13.4.2004: i have just noticed that mcdonalds are now flying their own flag.

12.4.2004: it feels late and i can barely be bothered. but i have nothing better to do. sad isn't it? this is what happens when are your friends are away or working. i just rearranged my entire cd collection (that i have down with me in brighton). this isn't as stupid as it sounds because my parents bought me down a desperately needed extra cd rack. maybe next week ill put them in chronological or alphabetical order.

i'm listening to the mini-disc grilly gave me. it really is good. i'm still arrogant enough to be surprised that someone can compile an amazing mix of songs i've never heard before. i just managed to finally finish my current compilation (can't call it a mix - too limited by technology) and it's nowhere near this cool. i just hope it does its job okay. its got a sexy cover at least.

anyway. we saw 'shaun of the dead'. i was quite shocked at how nasty it was. they were brave to try and make it anything other than a straight forward funny film. i think they pitched the comedy horror just right. grim though. just grim. i was really enjoying all the spaced references until i realised they probably weren't spaced references at all. i watched both series in their entirity far too recently and to be honest, it would have been impossible to avoid references right? or maybe it was just me. i would make such a good film critic. i've totally run out of things to say.

just about ready to stab the next the asshole i see. i was reading too many newspapers and a few back issues of adbusters i had knocking around. i had to stop. hanging around in a dirty cinema lobby is not the place to be if you own a gun. i'm at a loss, all i'm achieving is getting myself frustrated further. maybe i should start my own pro-degradation society. it'd be cheaper than half a million man-traps.

i love my new halfsies.

they're too cute. and they smell just right.. yum

if i had anything interesting to say i would have said it by now. i hope you all enjoyed your easter break. i didn't really achieve much, which is a shame. travelling a reasonable distance or building something big would have been good. i spent a while sitting on the beach today. it was beautifully quiet, the sound of cars just disappears and all you can hear are waves and the distant screams of people enjoying the rollercoaster at the end of the pier.

i see the street lights as fairground..

8.4.2004: "city's graffiti label of shame". i wish
the argus would just fuck off already. having that written on argus news billboards outside shops, adjacent to their poster advert claiming to be up on local art culture (featuring some street twat infront of graffiti - so hip), is just total bull. don't come at me on your oh so noble high horse while trying to appeal to my 'cool'. who is your target market anyway? the commuters who read your paper on the train on the way up to london every day, who have no clue about brighton? or the nazi's who don't like a circular boutique window because anything that looks a bit different or interesting is clearly wrong? (that must be why they live in brighton after all). how can they complain about the city being a bit different when that's exactly what its reputation has been built on. i'm fed up with these chipmunks trying to stagnate our city. and for what?

hey, i said all that without even entering the whole graffiti argument. hurray.

so i had a bit of a 'go' at a homeless dude yesterday. he caught me waiting at a pedestrian crossing. i only had a pound and i needed it but he wasn't going to give up. he said something along the lines of "just for a cup of coffee mate". that was enough for me. "what the fuck do you want a cup of coffee for?!". you have no food, no home and only one big issue left. youre gonna take the last of my money and buy a fucking coffee. i can't even afford a cup of coffee myself. don't fob me off with a default "just for a cup of coffee mate", it isn't something i relate to or will fall for. you're either lying or going to waste the money i give you. well either way. i kept my money. ask me to buy you food next time.

walking back from the pub late evening down western road. listening to belly (now theyll sleep). i go to cross the road. look right, look left.. and there is the sun. sitting at the end of the road, nested between either side of the street. framed perfectly. it looks like hove is burning, and it's reflected in ever car window as i walk past.

and finally, i would like to thank jesus for dying for my super double length weekend. or something. cheers mate.

6.4.2004: the two biggest things in my life combined - bardcodes and google. basically, it takes all the data from google news and combines it graphically. the size of a cell is the number of articles about that particular story. it is the genius ability of google news visualised. try setting it to display all countries (gawp). it's interesting to compare the amount of articles for the various categories across each country (i.e. science vs sport). if only boring shit was made to look that good in school ey? you would all be that damn clever.

6.4.2004: i was nearly gonna to be going to barcelona this weekend. for some weird reason less people seem inclined to go there right now, so it is cheap. but it is not to be. i was going to take all kinds of dodgy looking coils and vibrators into the country as well. boohoo. will have to go the pav tav instead. hurrah.

europe, ou est vous?

the sea looks like it is flowing like a river. weird.

you remember battle beasts? they were the shit (apart from the penguin who was just shit). my favourites were the rabbit, the shark, and the bat (which i never had). i still dont believe they did a flamingo though. (one for aimee).

don't expect me to answer the phone or reply to texts for a few weeks as i've just started playing 'final fantasy x'. however i will try to be sociable.

also i'm doing a screening (sounds posh huh?) of 'spirited away' in my room tonight. everyone is invited, girls get in for free. see you there?

5.4.2004: a piece of advice to terrorists - what you really want to be doing is chasing celebrities and exposing their breasts on television. for real. forget all that passe flying planes into building malarky. people just arn't interested in that anymore.

so i don't think i achieved much over the weekend. apart from sleeping all day every day. i picked up a few choice items from town. the most impressive of which is a drum and bass destruction remix of slayers 'angel of death' (plus a few other slayer riffs for good measure). hardcore demon bootlegs. you have to hear this tune. i also got a lovely japanese 'gloomy bear' book, complete with stickers and postcards. the ceiling in david's (dave's?) comics has been raised and that really freaked me out. not enough so that i wasn't able to buy lore. but yknow.. it was kinda weird. and on that note i must remind you of the amazing illustrative talents of ashley wood. lore is taking over from where automatic kafka left off in terms of 'breakthrough' style and genius. everything this dude touches is amazing (i shut up now).

now it's time for the bad news i'm afraid. next saturday is the last 'dick and dom inda bungalow'. although this wont surprise you im sure. not after during this weeks episode you you could hear the lines "trim my pussy" and "flick your beans" (quoted greatly out of context i must add). but oh good god, the shamlessness. they also had britney spears back on (although not for a repeat performance). and the funniest 'international bogies' yet. bless their creamy mucky cotton socks.

so have you heard the blazing squad cover of 'children of the revolution'? i tell no lies.

2.4.2004: once again i have to commit to the (patent) 'system of fear'. i hate sinking so low and i hate that other people have forced me into it. after the scare last year we've been left with no option but pre-emptive aggression. why do people always drag it down to "kill or be killed?". either way, i'm quite confident that i have my ticket for glastonbury now.

le tigre were awesome. i just couldn't handle the cool. i can't believe i hadn't seen them before. they had all the cool little dance routines and matching outfits and rawk. rawk i tell you. lo-fi beatcore. i have too much love for this band. i can't wait for the new record. it was also cool because it was me and nine girls out. haha. it was like every cool person in brighton you ever see around all crammed into one venue. i didn't know where to stand. all but one that is. whatever. i should have taken my camera.

i never realised until now that it has been the tax payer who has been footing the £300,000,000 a year in compensation for farmers because cattle over 30 months old just weren't cool to eat. here i propose and demand a tax on eating meat, to start immediately and without notice. failure to pay will forfit your right to not be entered into the food chain. you can pay for what you eat with yourself (you are what you eat). alternatively, a significant rise in VAT on all animal related products will be sufficient. i also demand an instant tax rebate for all vegetarians set at the amount we have been paying for other peoples dirty and environmentally harmful habits. failure to comply with these demands will result in a major soiling campaign of meat aisles in all stores belonging to the five major supermarket chains.

take it to the aisles my friends.

1.4.2004: don't worry. i wont bore you with an april fools joke. your dogs dead. i've kidnapped your parents (and raped them). i fed cows offal. it was me who planted the bombs. and it was me who voted for bush. i killed princess diana.

i like what google have done. they announced their new email service right on april 1st. me personally, i'm still out on this one. it's been on all the major news sites and it does make sense. although comments from google itself (dans forums) have been fantastically ambiguous. i initially thought it was a total hoax because they're offering a gig of email space per user. obscenity in all of our milks. i guess we'll all find out if it was a joke in good time. brilliant marketing if it isn't though.

and i eventually completed grow. it is such a genius game, like a three dimensional jigsaw puzzle. it's more than just trial and error. i spent a while working out how all the different objects interact with each other at different stages. if anyone works how to get complete it and still get the alien in the whirlwind let me know (although i suspect you can't. boohoo).

as if you would buy a bag of crisps from someone over ebay. of all places.

as a side note.. i originally wrote someone else instead of princess diana. a bag of 10p crisps to the first person to correctly guess who.

31.3.2004: it truly is the first day of summer. frisbee on the beach. the sea. the sea. it has all gone a little bit continental. pining to be european. you can feel it in the air. already. it smells so amazing. it makes me want to run away.. but then, why would you need to when you feel you are already there?

also i have a new favourite building. i've had my eye on it for a while now. and in the summer sun you can really see exactly how beautifully ugly it is. it is all texture and tarnished. the way it's built it looks like its falling down. concrete doom. like a solid rock of fragility. i guess photos will follow.

watched the digimon movie with jess and laks last night for the millionth time. it has the best fight scenes. i wish they would just sort us out a delux wide screen edition with the fourth part tacked on the end. also it is nice when someone comes round and appreciates your books etc. even if it does give you weird dreams (oh i have them all the time now-a-days anyway).

something about shattered pigeons, but i can't remember what. (note to jo - remind me about that)

30.3.2004: mango for breakfast. seeds seeds seeds etc.

i'm thinking of boycotting amazon (eep! i know). nothing to do with their
stupid patents or twaty email practices, infact nothing that malicous at all. my knowledge isn't that great on this but arn't they a bit like walmart? instead of having mega-malls out of town they have mini-malls in everyones room. it sounds the opposite but the effect of bleeding money out of our town centres (hey, making room for starbucks even) is the same. i guess this goes for any major internet shopping site, it's just that i only use amazon. i learnt not to love corporate coffee, so i can learn not to love cheap and convenient books. but again, i'm not sure on this one.

i had a stupid dream about some girl (oh i'll give you about three guesses.. or just one) who makes me cook her and her friends peas at a house party. she was really nice about it though. and was dead happy to see me too. she even didn't mind that i took too long at the bar and the peas weren't even cooking by the time their dinner was done. bless. but this makes me feel something that i can't find a word for. happy-sad with a twist. also it is nearly the end of the school year (i mean.. its not but it is). sad and panic. whatever.

due to popular request i've stopping doing knobby javascript links off this page. and to celebrate here are some links. right-click away you bozo's.

i totally love the banned music site. power to the people etc (don't yawn). and also illegal art (especially the mickey mouse gas mask. how very sigur ros).

and while i'm throwing links around all over the place, this japanese shockwave cartoon is beautiful.

29.3.2004: this morning it feels european. i can't explain how or why, so you are going to have to take my ill-informed word for it. hey, its not that ill-informed.

i found an interesting statistic. the amount of food that is used to feed cattle could feed the whole world 15 times over. so don't you dare complain about this price of meat, because you have no idea what it is actually going to cost us. nowadays it seems that environmental reasons for becoming vegetarian are the only ones that hold up when someone starts a 'meat fight'. i hate barbeques for that very reason.


there is something disturbingly poetic about the french police attacking french fire fighters with water cannons and tear gas. they fight back with rocks and bottles - paris becomes a war ground for their own rioting emergency services. and note that i'm not commenting on the 'why'.

rugby was very rock'n'roll (rugby will never be rock'n'roll). my parents can throw a damn good party. oh the drunkenness. i remember trying to teach harry how to play "rock paper scissors lizard spock" but couldn't remember it myself. spock beats what? we moo-pah-chi'd instead. the classic party game. and also while i was at home i found some really old photos. they confused me though because there was so much that was old in them, mixed with things i thought were more recent. time has gone all weird like that.

does anyone know why this div keeps changing its width? it's too wide. see? it is irritating me ever so mildly.

26.3.2004: so i went to the bank. i increased my overdraft limit to the maximum they could do (without me kicking up a fuss). i then withdrew as much money from all my accounts as i could. so i now have in my back pocket all the money i have access to. that is currently standing at around £13.17. that's all i have and can get. exciting times non?

'the rock of travolta' do infact rock. i decided it would probably be best if i didn't ask them to sign my pirated copy of their last cd. but they do rock. although quite unlike travolta. bless his cotton socks. shame they did a short set though, some 80's throwback retard went on for far too long before them. but still.. it was pretty sexy getting on the guest list. it all made for a nice afternoon out in london. again. we met up with the london posse and went to tate modern, of which most was closed. still loving the rothko room though. and dorothea tanning ('reclining nude' picture). also me and aimee went to wagamamas. man its like i can't get enough of it ey? whistle stop touring of london, friends and siblings was top fun. chaotic but i love it. hopefully this time i didn't get my debit card fleeced.

i just love chopsticks (not the tune).

25.3.2004: an open letter to the greatly misunderstood person who accidently withdrew £850 from my bank account at various atm's over the weekend, without even having my card [excerpt]:


24.3.2004: hey peeps. mini-eggs rock. so just to let you know i'm going to be in rugby this weekend. mum's birthday and all. i'll also be in london thursday evening, going to see 'the rock of travolta'. guess which dude got on the guest list? c'est moi. big up to the rock. and to think i copied their cd off martin as well. sorry guys.

also exciting is i made my first purchase from amazon france. it may seem weird that i'm buying dvd's without english dubbing or subtitles but hey whatever. maybe it will improve my french (and polish). we watched 'amores peres' the other night. on a tiny television that i was miles away from. so i read none of the subtitles and kept falling asleep, only to be woken by either a car crash or dog fight. either or. i kinda liked just watching it without translation though. you would be surprised at how much makes sense without understanding dialogue. just look at belleville rendevouz. look at it. you would be surprised at how much doesn't make sense without being awake.

last night we went to snide at the escape. at least i think it was the escape. at least i think it was snide. they're refurbishing downstairs so it just felt strange. and the dj (i presume he was new, being a 'he' and all) was struggling with some real bad technology. and some bad records. the fun came from the disturbing amount of girls there who looked like other girls. i spent most of the (sober) night trying to work out who and in what combinations. turned out all the girls who they looked like were related. like the crowd was writing its own story. or being written by another story.

check out emega. they're making eco-friendly building blocks out of soya. i want a soya house. word.

21.3.2004: i keep falling asleep really badly. i just can't stay conscious. i need tea to make me human. again. it has been a weird weekend.

on friday i went for a well nice meal at 'al forno' with peeps (oh i either name them all or none of them and i can't be bothered to either. damn it). apart from their toilet smelt like my bean curd of doom. then met cally and her work friend at the 'earth and star' pub. its like.. all organic or something quirky like that. also nice though (yeah i know i need a new word, fuck off). names to faces and all that. the best thing about the pub is someone has scrawled the lyrics to the 'round the twist' theme tune on the wall in the toilet. i laughed so hard i tinkled all over the floor (this isn't at all true). talked an awful lot of random people though, who i made trade stories/jokes for their borrowed seats or cigarettes. i guess most notable was phil who bought us a round of tuaca. that was kind of embarressing but nevermind. we went to the gloucester but i wished we hadn't have bothered. it wasn't worth it at all. whatever.

i might start a weekly commentary on 'dick n dom inda bungalow'. but it is so funny. this weeks highlight was definately timmy mallet. he featured in the sketch where they have little bodies and high pitched voices. i could explain that better but it's not really worth it. anyway. pinky punky (his mallet, dude) kept saying he needed the toilet, but they didn't know where the toilet was. it ended with pinky punky uncontrolably pissing all over dom's face (who was asleep up until now). it was even funnier than the time timmy mallet got knocked off his horse by that branch. best quote relating to dick and dom goes to nick hall with "an innocent game of Creamy Muck Muck turned quickly to erotic mayhem when a dancing Britney Spears impersonator flashed her front bottom". oh how i laughed.

so i went up to visit the london guys. brixton watcha. me and ben hung out in london most of the day, being amazed by the new transformers. or old transformers, i should say. they have released all the classic transformers again, and apart from the sexy packaging they are completely true to the originals. optimus prime is even made of metal. we were staring at them for ages. a thing of beauty i tell you. my mind cannot comprehend the coolness. awe. they really know their market huh? and we ate at wagamamas. i love that place. they do the best noodles. and i totally dig the school dinners style eating hall. and the coolest people work there. white chocolate and wasabi chocolate fudge cake indeed. we nearly bought some red absinthe, of all things. shop was shut though. saw some people up big ben. didn't see any terrorists. how disappointing.

what i love about london is there's wind underground. and also that the wind is always warm.

we went to some club called either 'wicked' or 'atlantis'. it was 'stay beautiful' though. kinda like the joint but more something else (oh my brain is so mashed today. i apologise). good night though. the club had so many mirrors and shiny things. and the stool poles had flashing red lights running up them. and there was a glowing blue post. or something. kind of like the 'miss lucifer' video but more gothy and nothing like it at all. 36 degrees rocks. it was weird properly going out in london though. it just feels so different to brighton. especially the people, but i don't know how. we left the club far too late. my happiness threshold has been really low recently. i time-out far too quickly. the prospect of having to sleep in the lounge amongst xbox players didn't help but i crashed in bens bed (i hope you didnt mind dude), kind of curled around the bottom out of his way. haha. i didn't really wake up because i didn't really sleep (vaguely had my first google dream. dreaming keywords. what the fuck) but when i did i just had to get home. i walked through brixton at about 8am. all it needed was 'east hastings' playing in the background. i kept expecting zombies to start running after me. after no sleep that would have really hurt. i was in a total daze all the way through to victoria and then it still seems kinda sketchy. walking around victoria station, it was me who was the zombie all along.

this is the funniest part of the weekend. i had fallen asleep and the train had stopped at some station or other. some dude slammed the train door and it made me wake up with such a start. i jumped a mile. for a second i had no idea where i was. sitting opposite were these two japanese girls (who sounded like they were speaking french, but then i also thought it was thursday for a minute there) and they thought it was really funny. we had a bit of a shared laugh. i was so sleep deprived. when we eventually pulled into brighton the sun was shining beautiful and it felt so good to be home i wanted to cry. that's what lack of sleep does to your emotions. alas..

jo says check out this trailer for casshern.

19.3.2004: me, laks and aimee (aimee, laks and i) have been the cinema twice this week. first to see 'starsky and hutch' (don't worry, it was free) and then 21 grams last night. i think that maybe '21 grams' just about might have possibly been the better of two slightly just about. er. well in all honesty i'm just glad that i didn't have to pay to see 'starsky and hutch'. where as in retrospect the £6 cost to get into the duke of york cinema seems a bargain.

good ol' starsky and hutch. gee whiz. i had already fallen asleep before the film had started so i'm quite impressed i stayed awake. it's not that it's really awful or anything. it just left me wanting to watch the funky squad. and thats bad (damn i loved that show though). yeah the music was kind of fun, and the dancing was too (although clearly not enough of it.. and what there was was just taking the piss a little). just not all that. the best bit was the trailer for simon pegs new film, it looks like a feature length episode of the zombie scenes from spaced. fucking hoo rah.

the on the other hand.. 21 grams was shockingly brilliant. in every way. superficially like memento crossed with magnolia but far better than both of them put together. also the two main characters were a perfect tyler durden and edward norton combination. you get me? some of it is really hard to watch. crushing even. not exactly enjoyable viewing but the whole thing is a beautiful piece of work. i was possibly the only person who came out of the cinema feeling better (that really sold it huh?). i'm a bit concerned it might be a bit preachy and moralistic. but even if it is it is doing it the right way (i did that sentence on purpose yo). i don't actually want to talk about it too much. i want it to speak for itself.. which means you have to go and see it i guess. nevermind.

anyone wanna hang this weekend give me a shout. i'm going to be muy bored and angry.

just about ready to fuck off and go to sleep though.

18.3.2004: could it be the sexiest ashley wood website of all time?

apart from that..

and also eyemaze. i especially liked the 'grow' game thing. whatever that was about. and while im dishing out sites i better chuck you this japanese lovely looking site called kiteretsu. worship. there are a million things of wonderment on that site. it makes me want to cry because i don't have enough time at work to view any of it. and last and probably least i thought this game was quite novel.. its called demon balls. dooooom.

my sugar intake has starting to increase rather dramatically. i need to cut down. or at least stop accelerating to a state of constant sugar high. but mommy.. i want candy.

17.3.2004: it's so foggy outside. it's like the the world is on fire and the winds of change are blowing our way..

meh. maybe it is?

system of fear. system of fear. i wish the media would just fuck off or grow up. i only say this because i'm trying so hard to not write about terrorism. (uh oh..) no no no..

what pissed me off most the week though.. pedestrian crossings. and how people automatically press the button for the green man. they press it when they can just cross the road. worse is that people press it even when 'wait' is already lit up. and what takes the biscuit is when someone presses the button right after they've seen someone else do it. and there's like ten million people waiting to cross as well. do people really have such a dirty habit of pressing buttons? trained like monkeys. i swear.

less money should be being spent on teaching us so well to be idiots. and also, couldn't all the money being spent on protected our sorry little asses from terrorists be put into aid? all this defense when they could just address the problem instead. how typically western. not being a fuckhead is not giving into terrorism. what was it i wasn't supposed to be doing again?

but i do love the new ms word logo. and i liked the hotmail butterfly too. weird that.

but anyway. i'm getting bored of my repetative one track mind ramblings. this is is probably why my writings are becoming more sporadic. i just don't want to always write about what i'm always thinking about. an effort to cut down on my angsty whinings. or perhaps just a giving up. i don't know which.

and anyway, i keep expecting zombies to run out of the fog.

13.3.2004: i forget to mention that it is an absolutely beautiful day. it feels and smells lovely. and i am in a bizarrely good mood. especially considering the amount i actually drank last night. i feel fucking amazing. oh for the summer. oh to be european. oh indeed.

13.3.2004: i had a really nice dream this morning (i always thought the start of 'i know' by placebo sounded like 'nice dream'. sorry.. '[nice dream]'). it was so nice. it was beautiful infact. it was everything cool. and it was even reasonably possible. although totaly improbable.

my point is. i'm watching 'dick and dom' and dom is wearing an
i am a moon monster tshirt from exploding dog. confused. what a fucking reference. that program is amazing i'm telling you. dick just said "ma mere mange la piscine". what a laurence in-joke. and then on the other side they're playing the old classic 'cake in the face' trick. i swear this shouldn't be done with cakes containing jam. the guy looked like he'd been repeatedly bashed in the face with a skateboard. (am i so pleasant this morning or what?). then busted cover 'teenage kicks' live on top of the pops. sorry did i say "cover"? i mean't to say butchered. although.. i quite liked it. haha. soft spot for the nice busted boys. er. or something.

to carry the nice theme on.. i went to a nice house party last night. nice but weird though. i wanna do a shout out to alice for letting us listen to weezer in her room. love the polkas. love weezer. smelt some base (well i found it funny hah hah). thats different to doing base btw. like smelling bread. anyway. the funniest thing was a post-it note in someones room saying "not a usb mouse".

since i've been dissing amazon its only fair that i give them a compliment when they deserve it too. i made an order on wednesday which usually dispatched in 1-2 weeks. also on super saver delivery, so i was expecting a wait of at least two weeks. it arrived this morning. thats quality. anyone who pays for delivery is a fool. haha. and also it smells really really yummy.

oh yeah. and the new senser cd came through my letter box this morning as well. bite my mother fucking ass mother fuckers. serious rawk value. take your fucking head off. etc.


as if. as fucking if. i think i just had the nastiest ever experience with 'bean curd'. the most disgusting thing i have ever nearly eaten. i'm not at all joking. like some creature had vomited its bloody heart into a tin. or my lap. perhaps a lamb or some other young, fresh organed animal. mashed and bloodier than anything i've ever had the displeasure to see. and it had all coagulated into a slick waxy gloss around the curd. how much like flesh can the curd from a bean get? i attempted to cook with it but was nearly sick. now i know the chinese eat some gross stuff but i don't believe for a minute anyone eats that.

ack. gag. etc.

i saw a dragon the other night. on the way home. it was the most convincing dragon i've seen. it was flying down london road and no one else saw it. a proper traditional chinese dragon. y'know, like in the 'never ending story'. graceful as. snaking down between the houses. he was going real fast too, came out of absolutely no where. wasn't that big or anything. and as it came level with me it reared up, twisted and floated to the ground, to be slowly dragged into the gutter. it wasn't just a dirty plastic ribbon i swear.

i also discovered that if you mix absolut vanilla vodka with coke (i know mixing 'posh' vodka is a crime but whatever) it tastes amazing. i'm not really sure where the buttery tastes comes from. but it's dead good.

10.3.2004: its weird cos.. i just havn't really felt like writing. it's not that i don't have crap to talk about. even it's not that i don't love you anymore. i just can't be bothered. i'm sorry.

but anyway. an unpolite "fuck off" to walkers crisps for putting 'lamb powder' (whatever the fuck that is) in their tasty sensations crisps. the stupid fuckers.

i also arsed my driving test. but i really can't be bothered to talk about that.

had a good saturday though. friday was weird because i got up, went to work, went to the pub and then went straight to bed. i had a hopeful driving lesson saturday morning. but whatever. then i met martin in town. after a dreamy bagel. then milkshakes and shop-lifting (justified and nothing i can take credit for). the pier. hurray for the bird mass. we made a curry. it was a good one. drank some decent wine. tried to organise a posse. headed out. we met up with grilly at what appeared to be a chocolate fondue party. kiwi and banana rawk. then some girl made a paedophile joke before me. the arc was a lot of fun. it wasn't so packed like last time. table football. much dancing. bum feeling. etc. i think. we even stayed to the end, which never seems to happen anymore. we went and chilled on the beach for a bit. its beautiful out there. even in the bitter cold of 3am. and the sea looks a bit like guiness. or molasses more likely. it was too dark to really tell. then some guy was like "oi" and we kept walking. i don't think he liked being disrespected so he chased after us with his dog saying he was gonna "bag us" if we ever ignore him again and would we like some skunk. had it been birmingham i would have been scared. but it was just mildly amusing. we then spent about 45 minutes in the 24hour bp garage. eating baguettes and dissing the magazines. it was a lot of weird fun.

but now.. a losing battle isn't even being fought. everything feels like it's being called a temporary measure. i'm on the case. it's just that the case isn't very big and has tiny gammy wheels. it's being pulled by a small team of rodents. or something else more suitably obscure. whatever.

there is nothing better than the feeling of a new toothbrush. although "i prefered my old toothbrush better" would be a better song title. better.

also. the new 'mars volta' video is gorgeous. go find it.

and what drug crazed mentalist came up with the concept of count duckula anyway?

4.3.2004: last we night we took a long overdue trip to the ocean rooms. well me laks and harry anyway. it was 'dance upon injustice'. politcal beats and hip hop etcetera. i think we all know the real reason why i insisted upon going to this particular night instead of casablancas. you never know.. she might have been there. the music was well good on the whole anyway. girl dj's rock etc.

so i eventually got my eyes sorted. and i don't like my new world. it looks funny. it's so rigid and demanding. i never watched tv so intently in my life. i spent about an hour staring at everything. when my contacts expire i'm not so sure if i'll be getting new ones. but then it is early days yet.

talking about people's eyesight.. when i was in the pub on monday i had a rather bizarre conversation with this random woman who approached me at the bar. she started with "if you were darker.." and i'm like "darker how? my hair? my brooding nature?". she starts again "if you were darker and cooler" and i'm not really sure where to look at this point "you would look like johnny depp". i stare at my 'being poured slowly' guiness. she then explains how johnny depp is her all time favourite man of all time ever. we had a bit of a chat and then i ran away with my pint. i contemplating offering her a drink but didn't want any encouraging going on. eep.

can we boycott quorn yet? what with them going into business with mcdonalds. dirty fuckers. hurray for the mc quorn burger. or maybe not. i never liked the quorn brand anyway. and i only just realised they deal with wimpy. belch.

2.3.2004: i saw
goodbye lenin the other night around aimee's house (although i feel a bit rude not acknowledging that it's hayley and steves too). i really liked it. for plently or reasons. mainly (plainly?) because it was just nice. appealing to my under-nurtured requirement for niceness. it's not hard. i think it stirred all kinds of things that perhaps i would be better off not having stirred. but then you can do a lot worse than living in some twisted happy dream world. mine? it isn't quite so elaborate and realised as alex's. at least. but then i have no excuse. but then i have nothing better to do. anyway. it is weird because i used to hate german at school (incase you forget or never knew i came bottom in german the year before i dropped it). but now i'm beginning to wish i hadn't. i have no idea what my language preferences are though. perhaps if i get too used to one language it just wont do it for me anymore. possibly. i think i just like being immersed in a language i have no comprehension of. for half of the film i wasn't even reading the subtitles. i didn't feel like i needed to. hmmm. the sentence order is all wrong here. (plus something about this being the same reasons why i really liked lost in translation).

anyway. the whole setting of the film was really fascinating. i remember the assembly we had at school about the berlin wall (it was a bullshit assembly.. but then weren't they all?). we had a big rope being held up dividing the hall. it sounds like they could have made it really interesting and symbolic but they didn't. but we were just kids. but whatever. when my babbling has ruined any reasonable description i might have been making about a film it is time to stop.

but today i just feel frustrated. which i think is better than feeling anxious, but i know it isn't. what kind of person has there house party at someone elses house anyway.

29.2.2004: i need to start writing before my brain decoagulates. yesterday was too fucked up. result? i've decided to join the circus. i know that it sounds like some crazy random dramatical thing that i'd say but i'm actually being serious.

i guess all you need to know is that laurence is a twat and fucked up another chance encounter. this time it was almost professionally done. i can't believe it. it's been months and he still loses his head. it was the most pain i've been in for ages. there are more words.. like jerk. and idiot. ass. fuckhead (that's really two but i don't care). we went to bombay aloo and you will never guess who was there. it took me a whole five minutes to notice she was sitting right opposite me and i couldn't even bare to make proper eye contact. talk about taking a step backwards. like falling sideways of a cliff.

like the whole day was designed to take the piss out of me.

like this wasn't enough to weird out my day as it was. later in the evening we had a murder mystery party. i tried to turn this into a house party. it was fun but my night was kinda kidnapped. something about stockholm syndrome. grilly turns up and i can't help but mention the unfortunate incident over my very indigested curry. and then he says the classic line "actually there's a party at her house tonight". half an hour of crazed and panicked behaviour later and i was standing outside a very desolate house wondering what exactly am i doing here? there was no party. i hope grilly doesn't feel bad about freaking me out and getting me so excited over nothing. the slow retreat from abject terror was a very confused one. why does the world do this to me? ..and even more importantly why do i do it to myself? was being a teenage for seven years not enough?

random but important notes. le tigre are playing 1st april (honest). i have my ticket. get yours from rounder. please. the one thing that made me feel human again this morning was buying a 750ml glass bottle of irn-bru and being told i get a 20p refund when i bring the bottle back. just like the good old days ey?

on friday we went to funky fish. which was another weird experience (i guess i didn't mention the chip shop and how 'out of my life' i felt inside it). the front of it looks just like a normal house. you feel like you're going into a house party. down some strange corridors and its funky dance hall (that's probably not right but it sounds good). i kinda wished the guy who looked like bene (from 'city of god') who was at the joint was there. it would have been perfect. and on the way into the gents this guy who was chatting in the doorway said "alright darling.. oh its a bloke". i mean honestly.. walking into the guys toilet and everything. sheesh. the people there were fun though. and this one girl offered me and aimee cigarettes because we were good dancers. made me smile at least. yeah.

i'm not sure what is really wrong with me. but yesterday was so fucked up.

just please don't think i'm weird for being so weird. k? i can't help it.

27.2.2004: i don't normally do this kind of thing but you have to download marshmallow duel. it is the best two player game of all time. just ask martin or corey (but not ben). that and banana tron, but i'll save that one for a rainier day. just to sweeten the pie that download is the full version with all the stupid extra and totally unneccesary weapons. you also get to have different characters. so hurray for me yeah? btw, if it wont load try putting the files in c:\mduel because its funny about file names. have fun.. and you better.

i'm actually in a bit of a pickle. i've been trying to get contact lenses before my driving test (9th march) and was actually going to manage it. however, today the woman said she was going to order some other ones in for me. fuck like. they should arrive in a week but then i have to get an appointment as well. she said i need to get glasses for driving anyway. i tried to explain that as soon as a i pass my test i'm not going to be driving for years so its nothing but a total waste of my money. she was nice and everything.. but fuck. fuck infact. i'm not quite sure what to do now. i guess i'll go around the little places on saturday and if see if they can guarantee me them in time. fuck.

i just hope this doesn't ruin the rest of my evening that i have planned out to be good. and fun.

you see? driving is just fucking me off. cos i have a lesson ass early tomorrow i can't even really enjoy myself tonight. the whole thing is just stressing me out. all the fucking money, time and effort for something i don't even fucking want. fucking. fuck. it's reducing me to swearing as much as i used to. fuck. someone nice email me saying something nice. together we can right this imbalance.

26.2.2004: this morning i recieved my masters certificate. so i'm now officialy 'Laurence Ashmore BSc MSc' and wish to be recognised and reffered to as such. failure to do so will result in me viciously ignoring you. for at least the next sentence.

i heart departure lounge. there was even bands playing last night. well.. we managed to catch the last few songs of this one-man sonic assault of a band. it descended into what i want to describe as 'cabaret metal', although he was far better than the image that that conjures. the highlight was definately his metal cover of bob the builder, for which he had a bod the builder puppet on his fret hand. hardcore. and it looked quality.

i wanted to talk about something interesting but can't think of anything. go and play dismount instead. that is some sick shit. go have fun people.

25.2.2004: has anyone noticed how much peter andre looks like tricky on his new cd cover?

and its also nice to see someone else ranting about amazons crap customer service. they're as bad in america as they are in england.

senser have just uploaded their new site. i like the logo (slightly changed) but i don't really like the site design. but nevermind. the fact that they have four new mp3s and a chance to buy their album now (as opposed to in may) makes up for it. although they only have very limited copies. so why am i telling you about it? ..i guess it's because my check is already in the post. boston. yo.

remember me ranting about mycokemusic? (actually i think i just said that they could go fuck themselves. but whatever. looks like it wasn't only me who thought that coke music was a bad idea. pretty crap site but nevermind (gee im being judgemental today).

the thing with zoe is.. yeah. zoe is cool, don't get me wrong. but she was cooler back in the day. and now it's more of a case of her being cool by default. or proxy. or some other word. it was the whole "don't pick me pick someone else" thing she had going on. then somewhere along the line she developed the whole "look at me im über cool" thing. its tricky. three 'versions' later and everyone is cooler. just cos i love playing dressing up so much (that and all the face paint crazyness). but where did the knobby attitube come from? ..and also (and i hate to say it) allegra is far more my kinda girl in terms of dress sense. i still think she looks like the 'girl' from the riddlers though. or the girl from the dark crystal if you're lucky enough to not remember the pissing riddlers.

if i titled entries this would be called 'zoe through the ages'.

24.2.2004: i have a beautiful story for you. actually beautiful is completely the wrong word but i've typed it now. when i was young (young like i can't remember, young like five or six) i saw this film, or rather i saw parts of this film. it was the most amazing animated movie i ever saw. however, i had no idea what it was called or who it was by. being that young i couldn't even remember what the characters were called or even looked like. all i can remember was a big floating thing in the air and robots falling from the sky. nowhere near enough information to track it down. for about 15 years i've asked everyone i knew if they remembered it and no one knew anything. i became mildly obsessed with this until i realised i was never going to know what it was or see it again. so yesterday i went onto amazon to pre-order 'spirited away' and guess what came up in the "people who bought this item also bought.." list? some dvd with a floating island in the sky on the cover. i couldn't believe it. it's called 'castle in the sky' and was released two months ago. and it's also on the way to my house. yippie.

so later the same day i tell grilly this amazing story while down the pub quiz (we didn't win beer) and he was like "the film with the robots that fall out of the sky!!". he knew the whole time. oh well. the pub quiz was fun though. although the guy behind the bar seriously asked me for id. the prick. he even was younger than me as well (i'm guessing). no need to be snotty about it though ey?

in transit along with my 'castle in the sky' dvd there is also a set of toothbrush heads. these are for amy. why she wanted to order toothbrushes off amazon is somewhat beyond me. but hey.. each to their own right? (actually she was having trouble getting them cheap and i was doing an order anyway, but telling you that ruins the weirdness of it).

also related is the fact that it is 'departure lounge' this wednesday. bring all your friends and their pets. prince albert (near the station) for japanese music pop rawk. yo.

so about this dream i had last night. it was fucking horrible in a delightfully artful and fantastic way. stop now if you don't want to read about tsunami's of blood and auto-erotic asphyxiation. okay, i made up the auto-erotic bit (it's what you get when you put 'asphyxiation' into google to check the spelling). and it wasn't really blood either. it was a far nastier concoction of detergents, anti-oxidants and doom. the colour of chemical strawberry milshake mixed with blood and ghostbuster slime. tasted like it too. i don't why but i was with some big group of people and we had these weird tasks to do, beginning with climbing this elaborate and rather high fence (clearly borrowed from a story cally told me that morning). on the other side i was with this girl and (surprise surprise) it was the end of the world. again. a very dark and red world. like fecal jelly. we were infront of some house and these waves are coming in from this purple bruised sea. they get bigger and bigger until we are getting knocked towards the house. clinging on to each other. there's not a lot you can really do except hold your breath. and we're being crushed and drowned in a chemical soup. tentacles and dead rats. and i remember thinking "what would i do if i was actually drowning? would i hold my breath until i passed out of try to breathe water?". i guess it's hard to know. after that i just felt sorry for the little girl. somewhere after then i woke up and wasn't lying drowned in my bed. one of these days though.. i have warned you.

22.2.2004: fucking weekends. etc. there's so much pressure to make the most of them. and i just end up wasting money on cd's and bagels (impossibly good bagels mind). it's just hard when nearly all your friends are couples. loner or paranoid gooseberry is the choice you get. i spent a lot of the weekend with zoe. we've been getting a lot closer recently. i really push her buttons. or something.

i passed my first mock driving test. which is about pissing time. this is the good news.

so then me and aimee went into town for afor mentioned cd's and bagels. i had another one of those mild weird outs where someone randomly mentions my website. this time it was the dude who runs nasty nip, that funky lil japanese shop off the north lane. we were just exploring around looking for japanese flavoured nik-naks and he asks me if i have a website. turns out he typed 'nasty nip' into google and found my site amongst all the sex shops. its a very strange form of fame. especially when you think of the more popular blogs. but anyway. we had a brief and humourous conversation about how it is actually pointless crap that the shop sells. hey i meant it in the nicest possible way. haha. of course. but now i am a bit worried about actually dissing anything. more and more the things i say are coming back to me. like dissing the lost prophets. and like ollie asking me who christina is.

which brings me on nicely to the party we gate crashed on saturday night. the link is that there was a girl that lives there (who wasn't actually at the party i don't think) also called christina. but you can imagine my initial second of fear before the facts actually processed properly and i realised that i already knew where she lived. and this wasn't it. but for me it was a pretty embaressing night. i kept spilling my wine. all over the floor and down myself (shucks.. my shirt is magic i tell you). i don't know what the hell was wrong with me. it was probably just me being really hyperactive. we were set to go indie clubbing but ollie thankfully intervened at the last minute. knocking my own drink out of my hand though.. i should know better. i cleaned it all up don't worry. and apart from that it was a fun party. much 'le tigre' songs etc. and we had a conversation about 'dick and dom'. it is becoming cult see? it's destiny. the dungeon master from knightmare was on it this weekend. treguard. he was the dude locked in the cage. i can't believe i missed it. tragic (yeah tragic is the word alright).

20.2.2004: so i lost yesterdays ramblings. im kinda pissed off about this. my computer at work decided that suicide was its only option. it took the wrong method and ended up dying slowly and painfully over the course of the day. e-paracetomol overdose or something. the selfish fuckhead. it took all of my 'my documents' down with it. including my website which for some reason hadn't uploaded properly. nevermind. i was only talking shit anyway. so anyway. now i'm using kerrys computer in the 'entrance hall' next to amy (amy with a 'y' for all you blind people using some weird text reader thing).

i want to have words with the asshole (i was gonna say a rude word) who decided that it'd be a good idea to block off the car park that acts as my favourite shortcut on the way to work. prepare for action people. i am going to rip that fucking fence from the ground. the bastards. now i have to walk all the fucking way around the car park. rally the troops we have a park to level.

last night's drunken-ness was muy fun. although it did overlap far too much with this morning. me and laks needed to go to the pub and i thought i'd invite anna and dom out (who recently moved into a flat down my road). she don't get out much since she started working from home and has reverted back to some crazed somerset gal. we dragged them out. then it was back to theirs to raid the insanely large alcohol stash. we were still drinking at about two and i had consumed various bitters, gins, ports and absinthes. don't tell my mum. haha. and funky music too. the beer was a bad idea though.. because i needed to go to the toilet far too many times. hmmm.. i'll shut up about that.

ages ago i was going to talk about how i've been having loads of swimming pool dreams. or just swimming dreams in general. i can't really remember. but they havn't stopped anyway. so i thought this time i would actually bother mentioning it. i'm sad like that. i just find it weird that i have so many (and no it's not an indication of acute sexual frustration). well if you find me drowned in my bed one morning don't say i didn't warn you.

the 'lost entry' that i just mentioned.. i was talking about the 9/11 documentary and why i guess i didn't like it. you've been saved from that. which is a shame because i'd used loads of good words and clever sentences. price you pay for being an ass.

oh yeah. this is weird. some guy left a message on my phone yesterday. he said that he'd found my cv online and they were looking for a java developer with a background in artificial intelligence. how random is that? i'm guessing he searched for 'artificial intelligence java cv' or something. glad i didn't take the call though. it would have weirded me out totally. i managed to find the job online but it didn't mention a salary. nevermind. i'm well happy where i am anyway. this just means i need to update my cv. sometime.

18.2.2004: where have all the cats gone? (this next sentence is going to be mildly confusing so bear with me) cat's cat disappeared on friday night. and we had a 'missing cat' flyer through our door on monday. there's another two different 'have you seen this cat?' posters on the way to work. its mighty strange. i think there might be a massive kitty rave going on nearby. that's what i'm hoping anyway. cat's other cat is all distressed. maybe it knows it's missing out on a damn good weekend. hmm..

i eventually got around to watching 'y tu mama tambien'. i am starting to worry that i like all these films solely (notice i didn't just use the word 'just') because they are foreign. i hope this isn't true. anyway. i always love a good road trip movie. just the feeling of travelling to somewhere better. it conveyed that quite well. (yeah im talking crap). my favourite bit was the pool full of leaves. actually, it was probably the pigs. i didn't like how it ended though. the whole thing about them never talking again. like it just pooped out or something. but then i did like how they didn't labour the point of the woman dying (don't worry, thats akin to me telling you the woman in moulin rouge dies). not sure about the casting of her though. she was a good actress and all.. but.. pyah what do i know anyway.

you seen how beautiful it is today? and how calm the sea is? ..that's a shame cos it's peachey out. i'm enjoying it because i got a new tracklist on my walkman (eventually.. tho its all gone a bit emo keen). now all i need is an agenda.

anyway. boys like me are a dime a dozen. ain't that right flavour flav?

were not wasting paper [or grammar]
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